Reviewing the Hits: 2012

Billboard Number Ones – 2012 Edition: The Meme is the Message 

Over the past month I’ve read, watched, or listened to dozens of year-end retrospectives. Best of year lists, entries reflecting on a specific artist or trend, podcast debates about the above, and an especially entertaining March-Madness-style bracket pitting the year’s hits against each other in a fight to the death (dontstoppopthat.com). However, I like to reflect upon the past year through the lens of the old-fashioned, borderline-irrelevant, payola-baiting Billboard Hot 100. (Ok, maybe there’s no more payola, but you can’t convince me that Maroon 5’s nine-week reign was not the result of a vast government conspiracy hellbent on keeping one-time Yankee-hater PSY from reaching the top of the charts; or a unified push by American record companies to forestall the incoming K-Pop invasion). The year’s Billboard Number Ones are not comprehensive and always leave out many songs that the define the year (no Frank Ocean, Fiona Apple or 2 Chainz to see here, folks), but it is always to interesting to see which songs captured our hearts and minds throughout the year.

After the EDM-plus-Adele hellscape that was the year 2011, 2012 comes as a breath of fresh air. The EDM is obviously still around, and the movement fuelled some of the year’s biggest hits (Flo Rida’s “Good Feeling”; Nicki Minaj’s “Starships”; every huge David Guetta song), but the songs that reached number one, rising above the untz-untz crowd, are an impressively varied group of songs. 2012’s number ones ranged from bubblegum pop, to faux Arcade Fire bombast, to full-throated diva belters, to blue-eyed reggae. In 2012, not one but TWO songs heavily influenced by Sting spent significant time at the top of the charts. In 2010 and 2011, the number ones reflected the most played songs at the club. The average number one had a high BPM, a 4/4 beat, and the build-ups and drops associated with club music, designed to make people lose their minds on the dancefloor (the exception being, as always, Adele). Last year, Number ones were, for the most part, quieter and slower, less insistent on us dancing like it was our last night on Earth. The most popular songs of the year were often songs more likely to be played at home alone as in a club. Songs like “Somebody That I Used to Know,” “We Are Young” and “Ho Hey,” the current number 5, would never have sniffed the Top 20 in 2010 or 2011. I’m not sure if the charts changed their methodology or if people changed their listening habits (probably the former), but either way, I love any change that might break us out of our early decade doldrums and into a new exciting period for pop music.

The Hits: 

“Sexy and I Know It” – LMFAO: 1/7-1/14 (2 Weeks) 
Ugh. I’m gonna skip this one for now. I’ll leave you with this brilliant sketch, and I’ll come back to “Sexy and I Know It” after I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

“We Found Love” – Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris: 11/12/11-12/31/11; 1/21/12-1/28 (10 Weeks) 
I already wrote about this one for my 2011 recap. I’ll repost it though:
“THIS is how you do a House crossover. People criticize Rihanna’s vocal ability, but it’s hard to argue that she can’t be compelling in the right context. Rihanna is probably the most prepared of the current pop divas to handle the imminent electronic era in pop music, as her voice complements but never overshadows the production. Considering how simple most of Calvin Harris’s discography is, there’s a surprising level of attention to detail in “We Found Love.” There’s a subtle change in the instrumentation during each verse. I also like how they managed to avoid including a dubstep drop (must have been a struggle). It’s hard to imagine a more effective techno/pop fusion"
8/10 

“Sexy and I Know It” – LMFAO: 1/7-1/14 (2 Weeks) 
Ok, I’m back. I needed some time to emotionally prepare myself to listen to this song on repeat for this piece. “Sexy and I Know It” is a member of a unique pop music lineage, preceded by such classics as “I’m Too Sexy,” by Right Said Fred, and the gloriously awful “Bad Touch” by the Bloodhound Gang. These are one-joke songs. Isn’t it hilarious how these guys who do not fit even the broadest definition of sexiness are talking about how irresistible they are? “Sexy and I Know It,” by nepotism poster boys LMFAO, manages to be even more disgusting and ridiculous than its predecessors and even less funny. The good news for me is: “Sexy and I Know It” was the year’s worst number one, so there isn’t anywhere to go but up. This would be the worst song to chart in 2012 if it weren’t for the unfortunate “Birthday Cake (Remix),” by Rihanna & Chris Brown.
1/10 

“Set Fire to the Rain” – Adele: 2/4-2/11 (2 Weeks) 
Adele’s monster 2011 extended into 2012 with “Set Fire to the Rain,” a decent number one that can’t hope to match the iconic status already reached by “Rolling in the Deep” and “Somebody Like You.” “Rolling in the Deep” and “Somebody Like You” featured minimalist arrangements with Adele’s voice as the focal point. Her inflection and vocal timbre provides the drama and the emotion, and because Adele is such an expressive singer, the songs benefit from the spotlight on her vocals. In “Set Fire to the Rain,” her vocals are just as strong, but her performance is swallowed by the epic arrangement. Still, like almost everything else on Adele’s 21, “Set Fire to the Rain” is well-written and well-structured, even if it lacks the emotional oomph of her best songs.
6/10 

“Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” – Kelly Clarkson: 2/18-2/25, 3/10 
Poor Kelly Clarkson. Every song she releases from here on out will draw comparisons to “Since U Been Gone,” one of the best pop songs of the past 25 years, and every song will suffer from that comparison. It’s hard to fault Kelly for returning to that well, but I think it’s fair to say that I’ve had enough of the Kelly Clarkson empowerment anthem for a while. “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” is a perfectly competent, catchy track that I have absolutely no need to ever hear again.
5/10 

“Part of Me” – Katy Perry: 3/3 (1 week) 
According to Wikipedia, Katy Perry’s Dr. Luke/Max Martin-produced kiss-off “Part of Me” was written sometime in 2010, presumably about her ex-boyfriend Travie McCoy of Gym Class Heroes (yep, that clown). It was officially released in February 2012, hot on the heels of Perry’s high-profile divorce from crazy person/comedian Russell Brand. So, the song’s lyrics, though they try to be personal and revealing, are vague enough to apply to two totally different (I assume) relationships. Everything about this song screams, “divorce cash-in.” The chorus is not memorable, especially when compared to her 2010 and 2011 smashes, and the instrumental track is typical Katy Perry, with guitars on the verses, synth on the chorus and huge 4/4 drums. “Part of Me” is the most transient and forgettable of 2012’s number ones, so forgettable, in fact, that she did not even perform “Part of Me” in the concert film bearing its name.
4/10 

“We Are Young” – fun. featuring Janelle Monae: 3/17-4/21 (6 Weeks) 
“We Are Young” is a mixed bag. It’s a song that feels like it could have been a great song, but it fails for a few reasons. Let’s talk about the good first: That chorus. It’s a great fucking chorus, one of the biggest and catchiest in a year full of big catchy choruses, with Nate Ruess’s voice soaring over Graduation-era Kanye synths and plinking piano. The bridge is pretty good, too, and would be better if Janelle Monae’s part was not buried under layers of harmony. I’ve heard people compare fun. to Queen, their chanted harmonies always reminded me more of the Lion King soundtrack, which is good, cause I like The Lion King more than I like Queen.

Now the bad: The first verses is dreadful. The lyrics are so self-important and read like entry-level poetry (“Getting higher than the Empire State”), and the melody uninspired. Worst of all, it does not fit at all with the chorus. More talented people than fun. have created great songs by mashing up two half-written songs, but here it feels like the chorus teleported in from some other, more interesting song.

Overall, the very good chorus and bridge comprise most of the song, but the terrible first verse and the awkward transition between verse and chorus (not to mention the sheer grammatical difficulty of writing about fun. on Microsoft Word) prevent me from giving “We Are Young” anything higher than a 6.
6/10

“Somebody That I Used to Know” – Gotye ft. Kimbra; 4/28-6/16 (8 Weeks) 
When you think about it, Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” is probably the most left-field of 2012’s left-field hits. It rose to the top of the charts based almost entirely on word of mouth, without the aid of Bieber plugs, Chevy commercials or Internet meme machines. Just a great song with a great video reaching number one the old fashioned way. “Somebody That I Used to Know” is an effective break-up ballad, remorseful without being self-flagellating or vindictive. Aided only by acoustic guitar, xylophone and some nifty (read: not overpowering or melodramatic) synths, Gotye quietly and sadly confesses the ways that he and his ex were wrong for each other during the verse, resolving to put the past behind him. The chorus finds Gotye in with an anguished Sting-inspired yelp, lashing out at the girl for shutting him out of her life. The key to the song is Kimbra’s bridge, which turns the song on its head, revealing Gotye’s character to be, for lack of a better phrase, a total douche. “Somebody That I Used to Know” is based on real human emotions, and not the type of oversized pop song emotions found in “Stronger,” “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” or even “We Are Young,” and sure, it was overplayed, but I’m ecstatic that a song like this can find such traction on the radio and on the pop charts.
8/10 

“Call Me Maybe” – Carly Rae Jepsen; 6/23-8/18 (9 Weeks) 
When I was in Elementary School, I had a crush on a girl named Caroline (not her real name). I didn’t know what to do with myself. I liked a girl? Girls, to any grade school boy, are icky! So, I convinced myself that I didn’t like Caroline, but that I hated Caroline. I would taunt her mercilessly, make fun of her to my friends and loudly proclaim how much I hated her. The obvious truth was that I was lying to myself to avoid embarrassment about how I really felt.

I had a similar relationship to “Call Me Maybe,” albeit on a slightly more unconscious level. I first heard “Call Me Maybe” in early February 2012. My kneejerk reaction was to hate the fuck out of this song, mostly because my first exposure to the song came from the mouths of drunken sorority girls, before I ever heard the phrase Carly Rae Jepsen and I heard that it was vaguely related to Bieber. Drunken sorority girls are the reason why we have Spice Girls reunions, “Party in the USA,” and Ke$ha (who got a little better, but still). They do not have a very good track record (girls are icky, right?). When I finally heard the song at a bar, I began to understand the song in context, and even to appreciate the saccharine strings and the singer’s playful vocal stylings (“AND all the OTHER boys,” word to Howard Kremer, it was a Jepsen Summah). After that, I just could not abide the sheer catchiness of the whole thing. “Call Me Maybe” is one of those songs where just reading the name of the song in an article is enough to lodge the melody into your cerebral cortex for weeks on end. Soon enough, I was singing “BEFORE YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE I MISSED YOU SO BAD!” to myself in the shower. The melody had broken through my fierce resistance and invaded my subconscious. Around St. Patrick’s Day, I realized that “Call Me Maybe” was a fantastic pop song and claiming that I didn’t like it would be akin to claiming, “I don’t like candy, it’s too damn sweet.” Not to mention that the song would be inextricably linked to my senior year of college, and all the good memories therein. So I finally gave in. (Mind you, this all happened back in March, months before “Call Me Maybe” even reached the top of the charts. “Call Me Maybe” had an unnaturally long lifespan, probably because it’s fucking amazing). Before it came into my life, I missed it so bad, and what not.
9/10 

FUCK IT! 

10/10 

“Whistle”– Flo Rida; 8/25, 9/15 (2 Weeks)
I’m tempted just to write “It’s a Flo Rida song,” rate it and call it a day. They’re all the same. Flo Rida is a rapper with no discernable personality. Though he’s technically proficient as a rapper, he never says anything memorable and his verses are just there to fill time between the hooks. “Whistle,” is no different. Flo Rida had three monster hits this year, and of the three, “Whistle” has by far the least memorable hook and least interesting production, yet it’s the one that reached number one. “Whistle” is relatively harmless, but if he’s talking about his dick, then dock 2 points from my rating (ick). I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, even though I probably shouldn’t.
4/10 

“We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” – Taylor Swift; 9/1-9/8; 9/22 (3 Weeks) 

Step One: Take Taylor’s personality and ability to inject her personal life into her songs.
Step Two: Combine Step One with Max Martin’s ability to craft a massive pop hook
Step Three: PROFIT!

 It took longer than most people expected, but in 2012, Taylor Swift unequivocally became the biggest pop star in the world. “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together,” the Max Martin produced smash engineered to drive her rise to the top, was the lead single from Red, the biggest album of the year, and one of four songs to reach the top ten from that album.

Though I’ve liked Taylor Swift in the past, I have never bought her as the shy girl who guys would dump for somebody hotter. “We Are Never Getting Back Together” finds her ditching that persona and embracing mean-girlhood. In this song she becomes, as Walter White would say, the One Who Dumps (get your goddamn mind out of the gutter, you disgusting person). “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” also finds Taylor abandoning her country roots (sure there are some acoustic guitar arpeggios, but they are more than likely synthesized) and aiming for pure pop. Though “You Belong With Me,” remains the perfect Taylor Swift song in my eyes, but “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is very good, with a likable spoken word bridge (love her inflection on “this is exHAUsting”) and some legitimate burns (the indie rock record that’s way cooler than hers) thrown in for good measure. Suck on it, Jake Gyllenhaal. You are officially the 2012 equivalent to Adele’s deadbeat window washer ex-boyfriend.
7/10 

 “One More Night” – Maroon 5; 9/29-11/24 (9 Weeks) 
Way back in the intro (Congrats if you’ve made it this far! I’m almost done.), I alluded to a government-sponsored cabal devoted to preventing “Gangnam Style” from reaching the top of the charts. Now, I have no proof of this, but what else could possibly explain the nine-week reign of this Ace of Base rip by Maroon 1 Plus Four? “Gangnam Style” sat behind “One More Night” at the number two spot for seven straight weeks. “One More Night” was certainly popular, but popular enough to merit a nine-week reign on the top of the charts? I think not! I’m honestly not even the biggest fan of “Gangnam Style,” but there’s no denying that it had a cultural impact equal to, if not greater than, any of the number ones on the list. As for “One More Night”? I’m sure Adam Levine performed it on The Voice or something.

Ok, I realize I haven’t said anything about the song. I haven’t said anything about vanilla ice cream or white bread either. Why? Because those things are BORING! Just like “One More Night,” a slice of blue-eyed Reggae designed to provide background atmosphere for department stores. Say what you will about “Gangnam Style,” but at least it would have been fun to write about.
5/10 

“Diamonds” – Rihanna; 12/1-12/15 (3 Weeks) 
“Diamonds” was co-written by Sia, and you can really tell in the way that Rihanna sings it. The vocal melody would work very well for Sia, but in “Diamonds” it really just highlights the relative weakness of Rihanna’s voice, as she awkwardly wobbles between high and low notes. I enjoy plenty of Rihanna songs, but the best of them do not rely on her ability to deliver a brilliant vocal performance, but on her ability to sell a hook. There’s clearly a strong hook on “Diamonds,” but it is far too repetitive for my taste and her melodramatic vocals overload the already considerable bombast of the Stargate produced track. The chord progression was promising, but this track needed a stronger singer than Rihanna to do justice to the production and bring the melody to life.
4/10 

“Locked Out of Heaven” – Bruno Mars; 12/22-present (5 Weeks…SO FAR!) 
We all know that Sting is having a moment right now (see: Gotye), but I think it would be unfair to call out Bruno Mars for trend-hopping on this one. “Locked Out of Heaven” was probably written before anyone at Bruno Mars’ label knew that “Somebody That I Used to Know” was going to be a smash, but there’s no doubt in my mind that the success of that record directly led to the release of this one. That’s just some smart A&R work. Gotye’s track resembles the quiet bombast of Sting’s solo career, but “Locked Out of Heaven” is a direct descendent of early Police smashes like “Roxanne,” “So Lonely” and “Message in a Bottle.” I love all three of those songs, and I commend Bruno Mars for bringing back the spirit of those great records, but he almost ruins that classic sound by bringing some trademark-Mars squickiness to the proceedings (Can we please have a moratorium on people singing “your sex”? Is there any creepier phrase than that? I mean, besides Flo Rida telling everybody to blow on his dick whistle?). Remember, this is the guy behind two of the absolute worst songs of 2011 (his own “The Lazy Song,” and Bad-Meets-Evil’s execrable “Lighters). Still, “Locked Out of Heaven” is a solid pop song, with a great “yeah yeah yeah” hook, and the pleasure I get from hearing a reasonable facsimile of the best Police songs on Z100 counteracts some of that creep factor (not to mention that plenty of Police songs have lyrics that are just as creepy).
6/10 

In Summation: 2012 was a decent-to-good year for number one singles. Any year featuring “Call Me Maybe” can’t be too bad. As good a year 2012 was for pop music and music in general, it felt like a table-setting year. The 2010s are in the process of developing a unique aesthetic for itself, and 2012 was a clear step away from the late 2000s style. I, for one, welcome our new era in pop music, especially if that new era features much less LMFAO. See you next year.

Reviewing the Hits 2011: Party Rock is Everywhere Every Night

Though the end of days is popularly rumored to occur in 2012, a surprising number of major hits were concerned with going out of this world with a bang. Pitbull’s “Give Me Everything” and Britney Spears’ “’Til the World Ends” urged us to keep dancing, even though an imminent apocalypse. LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” suggests that when there are no post-apocalyptic humans left for zombies to eat, they might as well start to dance. 2011 will forever be remembered as the year that Party Rock was in the house. Every night, all night. In fact, future historians might look back at the 2011 Billboard and reasonably believe that America was in a constant state of partying. Pop music’s embrace of techno and eurodance was teased in 2010, but came into full force in 2011 and it was impossible to avoid the thumping, four on the floor bass and drums and dubstep squelches on pop radio. The pop charts have been completely taken over by the club kids, who like to think they live each night like it’s their last. The two most notable harbingers of pop music trends, Britney and Rihanna, scored huge hits with techno songs, and “Hold It Against Me” even has a dubstep drop. Lady Gaga’s biggest hit, “Born This Way” shares the same relentless 4/4 as tracks by enormously popular French DJ David Guetta. If 2011 is any indication, pop music is going to continue favoring beat over melody, and artificial sounds over organic sounds until the creation of the first robot pop star in 2021.

Or at least that’s what I would think if it weren’t for the one woman beating relentlessly against the tide: Adele. Adele spent more time atop the Billboard Hot 100 than any other artist. Her album, 21, sold 17 million copies worldwide, which is roughly equivalent to selling a billion copies of a record in 1999 (probably an exaggeration, but it’s impossible to overstate how hard it is to sell as many copies as she has in this day and age). Adele’s music sounds nothing like any of the other number one hits and it’s chart popularity seems to defy conventional logic (which suggests that listeners want more electronic sounds). Adele’s success can mean three things: 1) there will always be a place for big, brassy divas with inhumanly excellent voices in pop music, 2) people requested Adele so much on the radio because they were sick of the high-volume, high energy aggression of every other song on the radio and needed a break or 3) both. Either way, good for you Adele, for adding some variety to my billboard experience this year and for making sure that your douchebag window-washer ex-boyfriend had the worst 2011 of anyone besides Moammar Gaddafi.

Now onto the list:
“Firework” – Katy Perry; (12/18/10-1/1/12, 1/15; 4 weeks)
Already reviewed this one for my 2010 edition.

“Grenade” – Bruno Mars; (1/8, 1/22, 2/5-12; 4 weeks)
Bruno Mars was a semi-pleasant chart presence in 2010, but in 2011 he took the turn towards unbearable. He’s directly responsible for two of the worst singles of the year, “The Lazy Song” and “Lighters” (the latter of which makes me want to channel Tyler, The Creator, and stab Bruno Mars in the motherfucking esophagus) “Grenade,” while not nearly as terrible as those two songs, is not a song that I would ever feel the need to hear again. Mars has a tendency to confuse grand romantic statements (“I’d take a bullet straight through my brain!”) with genuine emotion. I don’t think repeatedly screaming about the myriad ways he would die for this girl is the best way to get her to like him. As crazy as the lyrics are, Mars delivers a decent vocal performance here, and his soul-influenced performance of the song at the Grammys shows that there’s a solid track buried deep beneath Mars’s grandstanding. Unfortunately, Mars fails to find that track. Nobody is gonna remember this song in five years.
4/10

“Hold it Against Me” – Britney Spears; (1/29; 1 Week)
Interesting that this song is Britney’s only number one hit in 2011, considering it was probably the third biggest hit off her album. “Till the World Ends” and “I Wanna Go” got more radio play and are vastly superior to “Hold it Against Me,” a Dr. Luke/Max Martin track that buries Britney in an avalanche of studio gimmicks and heavy bass. The only notable thing about the whole song is the dubstep drop in the middle, and even that is relatively tame compared to Skrillex and other popular brostep guys (which makes it somewhat bearable). This is the only song that I could not recall when I started writing this, which makes sense. If someone typed “Generic 2011 Pop Song” into an automated song generator, this song would probably pop up. On a side note, can you believe Britney’s only 30? Doesn’t it seem like she should be on the wrong side of 50 by now?
4/10

“Black & Yellow” – Wiz Khalifa (2/19; 1 Week)
This is the only Hip-Hop song to reach number one on the Hot 100 in 2011. Though I’ve maligned rappers like B.o.B, Lupe Fiasco and countless others for compromising their sound for the sake of mainstream success, I don’t really think that Wiz Khalifa fits into that category. Sure, “Black & Yellow” is a glossy Stargate production with obvious chart aspirations, but Wiz keeps rapping about the same things he’s always rapped about (money, weed and bitches) in the same sing-song flow he showcased on the great Kush & OJ mixtape. “Black & Yellow,” a pop-influenced track that stays true to Wiz’s voice and persona, is the right way to crossover to the mainstream. It helps that the beat is an absolute monster, and a malleable one, with everybody, their mother and their mother’s mother recording a freestyle over the track. The hook is unstoppable, and even a seasoned Steelers hater, like me, can fuck with it.
7/10

“Born This Way” – Lady Gaga (2/26-4/2; 6 weeks)
Though it’s admirable that Lady Gaga uses her considerable clout to stand behind a substantial portion of her audience, I think Gaga took a step back with Born This Way. I like the song, but Lady Gaga seemed to take critics who anointed her as the next Madonna a bit too seriously. With The Fame Monster, and especially on “Bad Romance,” Gaga appeared to be developing her own unique artistic voice for the pop charts, but Born This Way suffered from a lack of the inventive pop songcraft of that song and by an overreliance on genre pastiche like on the hair metal “You and I,” and especially on this track. I’m probably the 1000th person to comment on the uncanny similarity between “Born This Way,” and Madonna’s “Express Yourself,” but it needs to be mentioned again. Despite the lack of originality and cleverness that marked Gaga’s best songs, “Born This Way” is still enjoyable to listen to, just disappointing in the context of her more interesting work.
6/10

“E.T.” – Katy Perry ft. Kanye West (4/9-23, 5/7-14; 5 Weeks)
Kanye West has had a great couple of years, and it pains me to say that, much as I love him, he was a major part of the worst number one in 2011. Not only does “E.T.” feature my least favorite of Perry’s vocal tics (that breathless bleating delivery), but I can’t shake the feeling that the song is vaguely racist. I mean, when Katy is singing about having sex with an alien, she’s clearly talking about a black man, right? Kanye’s phoned-in guest appearance doesn’t help. Besides the reactionary racial politics beneath the surface (seriously read the lyrics and tell me the song is not about Katy wanting to get railed by a black man), the song is not even catchy or easy to dance to, which makes me think that it rose to the top of the charts based on star power alone, not because anybody actually likes it.
1/10

“S&M” – Rihanna ft. Britney Spears; (4/30; 1 Week)
Many of the songs on Rihanna’s Loud album are about her putting her violent past with Chris Brown behind her and showing that she will not be a victim anymore. “S&M” suggests that Rihanna is sexually excited by the idea of getting hit, which along with “Love the Way You Lie,” feels like a couple steps back for her. I know that a singer’s on-record persona and real personality do not have to be one and the same, but Rihanna, music’s most public victim of domestic abuse, should probably be a bit more conscious about the messages she sends. Pontificating aside, “S&M” is a decent song, with a catchy hook and a collaboration by two of the biggest pop stars of the last decade. It seems like the song is supposed to feel like an event, but the effect is more like standard radio fare, with nothing extraordinary, but nothing extraordinarily bad either.
5/10

“Rolling in the Deep” – Adele: (5/21-7/2; 7 weeks)
“Rolling in the Deep” is the winner of the 2011 “Hey Ya” Memorial Ubiquity Award, for song that you could not go more than an hour without hearing. I had a 3-week-long stretch in July where “Rolling in the Deep” would be playing on the radio every single time I started my car. It’s a weird feeling when you change the station on the radio and the exact same song is playing on a different station. It’s even stranger when it’s playing at the same time on four different stations, which happened at least once this summer with this song. Though undoubtedly overplayed, “Rolling in the Deep” was a refreshing break from the club-driven fare that sat behind Adele for seven weeks. “Rolling in the Deep” is impeccably arranged, with the build-up on the acoustic guitar during the first verse, the gospel back-up singing during the chorus and other subtle flourishes that enhance but do not distract from Adele’s voice, which is the star of the show. Adele’s vocal is typically impassioned, highlighted by the way she pours her heart into the words “all,” “deep” and “soul.” “Rolling in the Deep” is a great song, but I’m gonna have to dock it a point or two because very few songs are as good the 1000th time as they are the first, and this isn’t one of them.
8/10 (rounded up from a 7.5)

“Give Me Everything” – Pitbull ft. Ne-Yo, Nayer & Afrojack: (7/9; 1 Week)
Boooring. The only thing I feel when I listen to this song is the unexplained urge to drink Dr. Pepper (I know this song wasn’t in that commercial but damn if subliminal advertising doesn’t work! You win this round, Pitbull).
4/10

“Party Rock Anthem” – LMFAO ft. Lauren Bennett & Goon Rock (7/16-8/20; 6 Weeks)
Let’s take a moment to contemplate the bizarreness of LMFAO’s existence. LMFAO is an uncle-nephew duo. The two members, Redfoo and SkyBlu, are the son and grandson of Motown founder and pop music legend Berry Gordy. SkyBlu once accused Mitt Romney of assault, asserting that the politician put a “Vulcan death grip” on his neck. LMFAO are the evolutionary Black Eyed Peas, specializing in mind-numbing party music and absurd music videos. The thing that makes them slightly more tolerable, is that they perform with a wink at the camera, so at least they’re not serious. LMFAO’s sense of humor (“everyday I’m shuffling” sung by an old blues guy. Clever!) can’t save “Party Rock Anthem,” which sounds like what would happen if you made an entire song out of the Peas’ “Dirty Bit,” and a catchy chorus doesn’t make up for the completely dumb and forgettable verses.
3/10

“Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)” – Katy Perry: (8/20-9/3; 2 Weeks)
I could probably think of something funny to say about this song, but Rob Delaney already tore it to shreds in this article, so there isn’t much for me to add. I’ll just say that “T.G.I.F.” is more “Teenage Dream” than “E.T.,” which means I like it, and if you look past the lyrics and the unnecessarily long and painfully unfunny music video, it was a fun enough anthem for the last couple weeks of the Summer.
6/10

“Moves Like Jagger” – Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguilera: (9/10, 9/24-10/8; 4 Weeks)
To be clear, they’re talking about sex moves, right? Because Jagger didn’t have very many dance moves, except for the occasional jumping split and prancing and jumping around like a maniac. Anyway, “Moves Like Jagger” is insidiously catchy, which makes sense because it’s basically a commercial jingle for NBC’s The Voice, albeit one that was played on every channel on the TV and Radio. I prefer Maroon 5 when they’re in their funky-music-white-boy mode than I do in their ordinary state, but I’d still rather listen to almost anything else so I can get that goddamn whistling out of my head.
4/10

“Someone Like You” – Adele; (9/17, 10/15-11/5; 5 Weeks)
“Someone Like You” is the first strictly voice and piano ballad to ever top the Billboard Hot 100. I don’t know if I’m more surprised that it took this long for that to happen or that it happened in 2011. Either way, it speaks to the universality and simplicity of the song and the strength of Adele’s vocal performance. The thing I like most about Adele is that her vocals, while amazing, are also a lot of fun to try to imitate and belt along. It would be hard to talk about this song without mentioning the SNL skit that doesn’t make fun of the song, but of people’s inevitable reaction to the song. So the next time you break up with somebody, your parakeet is sick or you barely miss out on half-price wings, put on this song and have a good sob.
8/10

“We Found Love” – Rihanna ft. Calvin Harris (11/12-12/31, 1/21/12-1/28; 10 Weeks, so far)
THIS is how you do a House crossover. People criticize Rihanna’s vocal ability, but it’s hard to argue that she can’t be compelling in the right context. Rihanna is probably the most prepared of the current pop divas to handle the imminent electronic era in pop music, as her voice complements but never overshadows the production. Considering how crappy most of Calvin Harris’s discography is, there’s a surprising level of attention to detail in “We Found Love.” There’s a subtle change in the instrumentation during each verse. I also like how they managed to avoid including a dubstep drop (must have been a struggle). It’s hard to imagine a more effective techno/pop fusion.
8/10

Recap: Three Katy Perry songs, two Rihanna and two Adele, plus chart-topping appearances by Gaga and Britney. The divas are taking over, everybody else might as well run and hide. Only one Hip-Hop song reached number one, which is almost shocking considering the genre’s mid-00s dominance. Rock is nowhere to be found. Is that a good thing? Probably. I’d rather listen to anything by Adele or Rihanna than re-live the ubiquity of the Black Eyed Peas or poor man’s Black Eyed Peas like LMFAO, and if Rock and Hip-Hop falter commercially, maybe it will force artists, producers and labels to think differently about the music they make. Or people will ignore those genres entirely and music will pound itself into an electronic oblivion until we are compelled to shuffle everyday.

Reviewing the Hits: 2010

2010 - The Homogenization of Pop

In 2010, massive conglomerates of superstar producers conspired to stranglehold the music business with their signature sounds. The Max Martin/Dr. Luke/Benny Blanco songwriting troika (Dr. Luke is the main producer these days) fuse power pop guitar chords with house beats and thick synthesizers. Stargate, a European production team, specialize in minimalist, repetitive techno, with melodic interludes and room for the singer to improvise. French House DJ, David Guetta, produced 2009's massive "I Gotta Feeling" and helped drive the modern pop scene towards the pulsating four/four beats that define radio pop and steered the Black Eyed Peas in their current direction (for better or worse). Lastly, Bruno Mars' creative team, the Smeezingtons, specialize in breezy, summery breed of R&B that pays homage to Motown and 50s doo-wop. The point I'm trying to make: all of these people make music that sounds basically the same! If you listen to 2010's number one hits, four of them were written by Dr. Luke, another four by Stargate, two of them by the Smeezingtons and one by Max Martin without Dr. Luke and company. "Raise Your Glass" sounds like "Teenage Dream," which sounds like "California Gurls," which sounds like "Tik Tok," which sounds like "Like a G6," and so on. Hopefully, 2011 will mark a return to individuality in the modern pop landscape, but that seems unlikely, as the first month of the year featured alternating number ones by Bruno Mars and Katy Perry's Stargate production "Firework." Now onto the hits:

"Tik Tok" - Ke$ha - (1/2-2/27/2010; 9 Weeks)
Everything about this song makes me want to hate it with the entirety of my being: Ke$ha's horrible, trashy drunk-girl rhymes, with auto-tune highlighting random phrases; that stupid line about wanting to party with guys who look like Mick Jagger (who looks like [url=http://www.agileproductdesign.com/blog/images/mick_jagger.jpg]this[/url] nowadays), and Ke$ha herself, with her random piercings and shorts that barely reach her thighs. Yet, I can't help but kinda like this song. The song is clearly designed to be an anthem for vapid sorority girls and drug addled club chicks, and on that front it works fine. There are enough quotable lines ("brush my teeth with a bottle of jack," "the party don't start til I walk in") and inspired musical flourishes (especially that "oh oh" in the chorus) for me to understand its appeal and not dismiss it outright.
5/10

"Imma Be" - Black Eyed Peas - (3/6-3/13; 2 Weeks)
Back in my 2009 list, I tore into the Black Eyed Peas, accusing them of intentionally appealing to the lowest common denominator of music fans (namely preteens) and not seeking any type of artistic fulfillment with their music (the same can be said about Ke$ha, I guess). "Imma Be" isn't too different, but it's significantly better than either of their 2009 behemoths. In "Imma Be," the Peas experiment with their usual sound, incorporating more futuristic electronic bleeps and shifting the rhythm around for each verse. "Imma Be" isn't great, but I'll give it some extra points for the Roger Troutman/Daft Punk outro
5/10

"Break Your Heart" - Taio Cruz ft. Ludacris - (3/20; 1 Week)
Every time I look at a song title and I see the words "featuring Ludacris," I get excited. Luda is probably the most entertaining guest rapper around and he has the ability to elevate even the most mundane track to greatness with his elastic flow and emphatic punchlines. Unfortunately, Ludacris is on autopilot here, ceding the floor to Taio Cruz after two brief verses. "Break Your Heart" is a standard, inoffensive club track and Cruz is devoid of personality and is not a good enough singer to be very compelling outside of the club. A visit to the good Dr. Luke helped him out for his next, probably even more popular track ("Dynamite"), but "Break Your Heart" leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
4/10

"Rude Boy" - Rihanna - (3/27-4/24; 5 Weeks)
The first great number one of 2010. Rihanna had a huge year in 2010, with three number one singles and one huge number one guest appearance. "Rude Boy" is probably the best. For her last LP, Rated R, Rihanna retreated inward, delving into her personal demons and highlighted her emotional vulnerability. With 2010's Loud, Rihanna emerged from her shell stronger than ever; all three of her number ones in 2010 are about how awesome she is, how lucky her man is to have her and how he better be amazing in bed. "Rude Boy," a Stargate production, nominally returns Rihanna to her Caribbean roots, with a few dancehall references in the lyrics and a steel-drum-esque synth bouncing during the chorus. However, there are few real dancehall influences on the track, and the song draws its strength from Rihanna's skill at hypnotically playing with and repeating words and phrases. In "Rude Boy," Rihanna is the one with the power, and she knows how to flaunt it.
9/10

"Nothin' on You" - B.o.B ft. Bruno Mars - (5/1-5/8; 2 Weeks)
Though he was a mixtape darling for a few years before 2010, B.o.B's major label debut drew more critical vitriol than any other rap release in 2010 (besides maybe Recovery). While I was disappointed by The Adventures of Bobby Ray, I don't think it really deserved the beating it took. "Nothin' on You," an effortlessly breezy summer jam, is one of the better tracks on the album. Bruno Mars said that he was inspired by the doo-wop classic "I Only Have Eyes For You," by the Flamingos, when he wrote the chorus and the throwback element is obvious. Mars has a talent of merging 50s and 60s melodies and sentiments with modern beats and B.o.B, one of our most musically gifted MCs, embraces the melodic piano line, rapping double-time about love and loss.
7/10

"OMG" - Usher ft. will.i.am - (5/15; 5/29-6/12; 4 Weeks)
If I were to make a list of modern singers who sound great without auto-tune, Usher would probably top the list. Remember "Yeah!"? That was awesome! Unfortunately, Usher embraces the robot on the will.i.am produced "OMG," a song that completely wastes Usher's prodigious talents as a singer and performer. The crowd noise gimmick goes from annoying to infuriating throughout the song and the uninspired, arrhythmic raps during the verses further doom this track to sub-mediocrity.
3/10


"Not Afraid" - Eminem - (5/22; 1 Week)
2010 marked the triumphant return of Eminem to the forefront of the popular music scene. For music fans of my generation, Eminem is a universally beloved icon, a man who rapped about what we would only snicker about amongst ourselves. Recovery marked Eminem's official step into adulthood - the playfulness, hilarity and (most importantly) willingness to say anything and offend anybody was nowhere to be found. I guess "Not Afraid," a stale, clunky attempt at an inspirational ballad, is a necessary step for Eminem, announcing to the world that he overcame his problems and is back to making music full time. I wish that "Not Afraid" was more enjoyable; the flow is there, but the wordplay isn't (that "it's a wrap" line is pretty egregious") and Em is still rapping over the same blend of uninspired beats as his Encore days. Now that he got Recovery off his chest, he can go back to being the Eminem we all love.
4/10

"California Gurls" - Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dogg - (6/19-7/24; 6 Weeks)
A summer anthem for a generation of kids who've never heard of the Beach Boys, Perry has stated that "California Gurls" is supposed to be a response to "Empire State of Mind." While Jay-Z's low-key verses and Alica Keys' big chorus in "Empire" illustrate the contrast between the intimate details and grand scope of living in New York, there is no such subtlety in "California Gurls." Though the song is ostensibly about California, the music video seems to be set in Candyland, with ice cream plants and cotton candy clouds. Katy Perry, though a decently talented singer, exploits her own sexuality for record sales as blatantly as anyone outside of the Pussycat Dolls. It's not that I object to using sex to sell your product, but starting the second verse with "SEX...on the beach," is a little clumsy and obvious. I appreciate that Perry has a sense of humor, and I'm amazed by Snoop Dogg's ability to remain gangsta while wearing ice cream overalls, but I'm afraid it's a big "meh" for this one.
5/10

"Love the Way You Lie" - Eminem ft. Rihanna - (7/31-9/11; 7 Weeks)
Remember in my "Rude Boy" review how I was talking about how Rihanna's Loud singles present a woman who faced her demons and became stronger? How she's the one with the power and how she'll never bend to her man's will? Well, here's Rihanna, music's most famous victim of domestic violence since Tina Turner, singing a chorus for Eminem, a man who frequently raps about murdering his wife, about how she loves her boyfriend even though he is abusive. Look, I know the song was hugely popular and that Rihanna's appearance probably means that she's fully recovered from her personal trauma, but I can't help but feel uncomfortable when Em raps about throwing his girlfriend out the window ("that's why they call it window pane" -- clunk!) and Rihanna sings about how much she loves it.
3/10


"Teenage Dream" - Katy Perry - (9/18-9/25; 2 Weeks)
This is probably the only Katy Perry song where she doesn't wink at the camera. A straightforward love song, again produced by Dr. Luke, Perry sings about how she loves her man so much that she feels like a teenager. Honestly, I know the song is just as manufactured and superficial as anything else that Katy Perry has done, but it works for me. "Teenage Dream" has an honest sweetness to it that distinguishes it from her usual vapid and playful sexuality.
7/10

"Just the Way You Are" - Bruno Mars - (10/2-10/23; 4 Weeks)
Let me start by saying that I definitely prefer this to the Billy Joel song. "Just the Way You Are" uses an airy four-chord progression with piano and synthesized whistling during the chorus to create probably the nicest thing that anyone has ever said or done for a girl. Mars' schtick is to play the perfect boyfriend, which nicely suits his talent for writing sweet piano ballads. In this one, the sweetness becomes a bit overwhelming--I can practically feel my teeth ache when listening to this song.
6/10

"Like a G6" - Far East Movement ft. The Cateracs and Dev - (10/30-11/6, 11/27; 3 Weeks)
The epitome of a brainless club song, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. The words are hilariously stupid, but the bassline is creamy. I love that little chant of "808" right before the "actin' like they drunk part." There are some songs that are impossible to intelligently write or think about and this is one of them. Just put your hands up.
7/10

"We R Who We R" - Ke$ha - (11/13; 1 Week)
The winner of the way better than it looks on paper award for 2010. Dr. Luke's beat is even busier than usual, with torrents of synth during the chorus and inspired vocal modulations during the bridge. Ke$ha's free associative flow during the intro reminds me a bit of Life Without Buildings, which is a compliment. This is the best Ke$ha song because Dr. Luke uses her voice as a sounding board for his techno dreams, rather than relying on her imbecilic rhymes, to launch a solid club track.
6/10

"What's My Name" - Rihanna ft. Drake - (11/20; 1 week)
On the one hand, "What's My Name" sports Drake's worst verse ever. On the other hand, Rihanna's chorus is her catchiest since "Disturbia." I'm a sucker for hooks, so the other hand wins BIG. Oh, and the square root of 69 is 8.30662386, in case anyone was wondering.
9/10

"Only Girl (In the World)" - Rihanna - (12/4; 1 week)
"Only Girl" boasts Rihanna's strongest vocal performance to date over a Eurodance beat (provided by Stargate). "Only Girl" expands upon Rihanna's newfound strength--she's the only girl who can make you feel like a man, so you better treat her like she's the only girl in the world. This track reminds me a little bit of the techno version of Bryan Adams' "Heaven," but Rihanna's strong vocals elevate the song above Eurotrash.
8/10

"Raise Your Glass" - Pink - (12/11; 1 Week)
"Why so serious?" has been Pink's mantra for a long time. She's never been afraid to poke fun at herself or others. Unfortunately, "Raise Your Glass" might as well be "Generic 2010 Pop Song," as it features all the elements. Teen pop, guitar rock and French house pureed into one indistinguishable mush, quiet verses and a LOUD chorus and lyrical clunkers like "don't get fancy, let's get dancey" and "if your too school for cool." Though I may not like all of Pink's songs, none of them are as boring as "Raise Your Glass."
4/10

"Firework" - Katy Perry - (12/18, 12/25 (in 2010); 2 Weeks (in 2010))
People keep on writing songs for Katy Perry that she simply does not have the pipes for. I keep thinking about what Mariah Carey or Alicia Keys would do with a song like this. I also keep thinking about the "Firework" video, in which fireworks explode out of Katy Perry's boobs. Ladies and gentlemen, the biggest pop star in the world!
3/10

Reviewing the Hits part 3: 2009

I posted this back in December.

2009 – The weirdest year for number ones in a long time.

2009 was actually a fairly decent year for pop music. For the most part, the radio pop was harmless and occasionally enjoyable. However, this is not represented in this year’s slate of number ones, one of the weakest in a long time. With the exception of one superstar in the making (you can guess who), none of the new artists who reached number one seem to have any staying power whatsoever. I doubt we’ll be hearing too much from Jason DeRulo or (hope to god) Owl City in the next decade. This year’s #1s would probably be much more interesting if it weren’t for the Black Eyed Peas’ 26-week reign of terror. The Black Eyed Peas inexplicably dominated the middle of the year, with two seemingly forgettable, not even that catchy songs. The last time one artist dominated a year like this was in 2004, when Usher dominated the charts. In 2004, it was clear that Usher was the biggest star in the world, while the Black Eyed Peas seemed to generate mostly “meh”s, as “I Gotta Feeling” and “Boom Boom Pow” stayed at the top spot. The 26 straight weeks the BEPs stayed atop the charts was clearly a record, but does that mean that they were more dominant than the Bee Gees in 1977? Neither of the songs seemed particularly ubiquitous over the summer (#2’s “Best I Ever Had” and “Party in the USA” seemed to have more radio play and more water-cooler discussion) and it seems unlikely that either of these low-IQ hookfests will stand the test of one year, let alone 30. Whatever. Talking about this too much makes me sad, let’s head on to the hits:

Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) – Beyonce – (12/13/2008; 12/27/2008-1/10/09) (4 weeks)

Reviewed in the 2008 list

Just Dance – Lady Gaga ft. Colby O’Donis – (1/17-1/31) (3 weeks)
Though this was Lady Gaga’s first hit, it showcases almost none of the musical chops or irresistible catchiness of some of her later songs. Gaga didn’t have her coming out party until a couple weeks after this. Listening to this song, it isn’t hard to understand why some people (including myself) believed that Ms. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta would be a flash-in-the-pan one-hit wonder. Just Dance doesn’t feature any of Gaga’s trademark techniques or vocal tics and exudes almost no personality. Stupid lyrics and a “Konvict” chant in the beginning leant credence to my theory that she was another useless Akon protégé. Luckily, her next singles proved us wrong, but Just Dance is fairly unimpressive and annoying.
5/10

My Life Would Suck Without You – Kelly Clarkson – (2/7-2/14) (2 weeks)
This is a transparent attempt by Clarkson to recapture the popularity of “Since U Been Gone” (which actually only reached number 2). The opening guitar lick and the soft-LOUD-soft dynamic are obvious callbacks to her greatest hit. However, this song conveys the opposite message of Since U Been Gone, and to me it shows a disconcerting regression in her attitude, as in the first song she was an independent woman who did not need a man in her life, but now she’s begging a man to take her back. Since U Been Gone is an almost impossible standard to live up to (I love that song), but I don’t think the song stands well on its own either. It’s nice to see some (non-synthesized) guitars on the top of the charts though, because this is sorta it for guitar in 2009.
5/10

Crack a Bottle – Eminem ft. Dr. Dre and 50 Cent – (2/21) (1 week)
These three men ruled the roost in the beginning and middle of the decade, as everything they touched turn to gold. The Dr. Dre-Eminem tree of influence dominated rap and popular charts and 50 was the biggest star of any kind in the world. Since then, Eminem has suffered a personal break down, entering rehab and suffering more familial drama with Kim and his mother and lost his best friend, Proof, who was murdered. Dr. Dre was still producing beats for young artists he wanted to promote, but he stopped rapping after his excellent Chronic 2001 record. 50 ran out of things to rap about after he transformed himself from David to Goliath and had an ill-advised beef with Kanye. Now he spends most of his time shilling for Vitamin Water. None of these men are on top of their game on this track, but it’s nice to see Aftermath return to number one. Dr. Dre’s clearly ghostwritten guest rap is pedestrian, and so is 50’s. Eminem hasn’t been the same since The Marshall Mathers LP and he never really seems comfortable on club jams or crowd pleasing songs like this one and none of his Shady persona is evident on this track. It’s sad to see an Eminem who lacks any of the fire that he used to bring to even the most meaningless guest appearances, but this is a mostly serviceable club track, since even Dre’s worst beat is better than 99% of his imitators’ best.
6/10

Right Round – Flo Rida ft. Ke$ha – (2/28-4/4) (6 Weeks)
Flo Rida is a rare beast: a rapper with absolutely no personality. He doesn’t claim to be from the streets or anything. He never seems to show up on TV and he never talks about himself in any of his songs. The only things we know about him are a) he has money, b) he likes to spend it on jewelry and strippers, and c) he’s from Florida. His music isn’t very distinctive either. He seems to have the same musical approach as Puff Daddy in the late 90s – play on people’s nostalgia to compensate for lack of creativity and rhyming skills. This song uses the great “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record” by Dead or Alive and adds basically nothing, just altering the chorus to include more innuendo. Out of left-field surprise: Ke$ha, who sings half the chorus on this song and contributes nothing else, has the current number one hit (the first of the new decade, so not reviewed ‘til next year), “Tik Tok,” a semi-pleasant slice of electropop. This song, however, is derivative as they come and not even terrible in the way of some Ja Rule songs. Just average.
5/10

Poker Face – Lady Gaga – (4/11) (1 week) (it was number two for several weeks afterwards)
This song marked the true emergence of one of the most interesting and original pop stars this decade: Lady (probably) Gaga. Of the four major Gaga songs of 2009 (Just Dance, Poker Face, Paparazzi, Bad Romance), the better two failed to reach number one. Poker Face, though, is among the best pure pop songs of the year. Though the poker metaphor is a little weak (“I wanna hold ‘em like they do in Texas, yeah!”), the chorus is irresistible and the oh-oh-oh’s dare you not to sing along. This song is where the Gaga/Madonna comparisons really began to stick – along with the constant changing appearance and spacey, less-than-intelligent interviews, Gaga shares the ability to write a song that appeals to the masses, fills dancefloors and gives critics and snobs hope that the pop landscape will not always be barren. And Eric Cartman does a mean rendition too (definitely better than Weezer’s).

A Christmas gift for you:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/254171/?tab=featured
7.5/10

Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas – (4/18 – 7/4) (12 Weeks (?!))
This song is unspeakably stupid, but so are some of the best songs of all time (“Louie Louie”). What sets this song apart as one of the worst songs of he decade is the in-your-face, almost proud stupidity displayed by Fergie and friends. Everyone knows the horrible “I’m so 3008, you’re so two thousand and late” line, but that’s probably the wittiest moment of lyricism on the track. Sure it’s catchy, but so is a car alarm. Awful song.
0/10

I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas – (7/11 – 10/10)
Oh, how this song is retarded! Let me list the ways:
- The title – The song is called I Gotta Feeling. However, the word “gotta” is an English slang term for “got to.” Therefore, the title of this song roughly translates “I Got To Feeling,” which makes no sense.
- The intro repeats for the first 1 ½ minutes of the song with absolutely no variation. There is a difference between a catchy melody and a melody that sticks in your head because of constant repetition. BEP seems to be unable to realize the distinction.
- The lyrics - Though the Peas often set the bar for terrible lyrics in a pop song, but I Gotta Feeling take the cake – “Mazel Tov, take it off!” – Mazel Tov is a greeting used at many important celebrations such as Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and Weddings, where the “take it off!” command would be completely inappropriate.
- “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…” – This is unacceptable. You can’t just list the days of the week. This isn’t the Happy Days song. This isn’t Sesame Street. Will.i.am should go die in a fire.

Really, my main problem with the Black Eyed Peas is how they don’t even try to make their songs palatable to intelligent music listeners. I like to have faith in the American public and their ability to differentiate good from bad, but sometimes my faith betrays me and stupid wins. The Black Eyed Peas constantly appeal to the lowest common denominator, and that earns them platinum records and Grammy nominations (Grammy voters might actually be the lowest common denominator). I am a strong advocate of the belief that a great pop song is great art, and that FutureSex/LoveSounds can be mentioned in the same breath as Funeral on a best albums of the decade list. However, the Peas exist solely to confirm the haters’ beliefs that Pop music is a load of crap and has been since the 60’s ended. And for that, I hate them and these two songs with fiery passion.
0/10

Bonus list: Songs that Only Peaked at Number 2 behind the Black Eyed Behemoth (in order of preference):

You Belong With Me – Taylor Swift – 8/10
Best I Ever Had – Drake – 8/10
I Know You Want Me – Pitbull - 7/10
Run This Town – Jay-Z – 6.5/10
Party in the USA – Miley Cyrus – 5.5/10
Blame It – Jamie Foxx – 4/10

Any one of these songs would have been a much better number one than either of the BEP songs

Down – Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne – (10/17; 10/31) (2 Weeks)
"Honestly, I'm down like the economy." – Seriously, Lil Wayne makes any song about 35% better by default. Even though this isn’t one of his very best verses, it takes a mediocre, somewhat run-of-the mill R&B song, only notable because of the nationality of the singer, and makes it enjoyable. I’m gonna miss Weezy when he goes to jail, though he’ll still probably will find some way to record.
5/10

3 – Britney Spears – (10/24) (1 Week)
Britney Spears rejoins the man responsible for making her career, Max Martin. However, this time, the results are far less memorable, as Britney does not retain the same force of personality that she exuded when she burst onto the scene as a 18-year-old. This is fairly standard dance pop, with no real wrinkles except for the falsetto in the pre-chorus, which I can take or leave. This is probably ‘09’s least distinctive number one, which is odd, because even when they’re terrible, Britney songs usually seem more interesting or important than a song by an average imitator.
4/10

Fireflies – Owl City – (11/7; 11/21) (2 Weeks)
What a douche. Seriously. Everyone knows you were ripping off The Postal Service, and then you had to go and deny it? Come on! “Fireflies” is a clear rip off of the entire Give Up aesthetic, with the sensitive Indie vocals over the electronic backdrop. Though Postal Service/Death Cab singer Ben Gibbard’s lyrics are a little clunky, they are heartfelt, sweet and innocent and Gibbard sings with enough sincerity to sell them. That douche from Owl City does not. His vocals are a pale imitation of Gibbard’s. His lyrics are atrocious – every cliché in the emo book shows up somewhere (“Cause everything is never as it seems,” “I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep,” “Please take me away from here”). The bleeps at the beginning seem to be a conscious effort to remind the listener of Such Great Heights. However, the other half of the Postal Service, Jimmy Tamborello brought an elegance and complexity to the programmed beats, and they fit the sensibilities of Gibbard perfectly. Owl City’s beat sounds like it would soundtrack an airline safety video and has the subtlety of that Black Eyed Peas song. Terrible. I feel like calling him a Postal Service rip-off gives him too much credit.

One more unrelated gripe – Make another album, Postal Service! It’s been six years! The market is perfect! If shit like this can reach number one, imagine what your next single could do! Maybe I’m giving the American public too much credit (probably, considering the BEP’s dominance of the charts).
0/10

Whatcha Say - Jason Derulo - (11/14) (1 week)
Though interesting for sampling that Imogen Heap song, Whatcha Say ultimately fails from a lack of talent. Jason Derulo had a great idea to sample Hide and Seek, but couldn't deliver with more than a third-rate pop song. I'm not sure that the sample fits the lyrics too well and Derulo himself gets lost in the sample, which is practically unaltered from the original track. Possibly the weirdest #1 of the year, but nothing special.
4/10

Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys – (11/28-12/26)
As a lifelong Yankee fan and New York resident, I’m not exactly an unbiased observer here, as the song was the unofficial anthem for the team’s World Series victory. That said, every observation that Jay-Z makes about the city rings true and makes me long to hop on the Metro North and walk around Midtown with the song blasting out of my headphones. Though Jay isn’t at his best here, he mostly refrains from boasting about himself (which comprises the rest of Blueprint 3) to pay tribute to the city he loves. The chorus, though, is the best thing Alica Keys has ever recorded. It is suitably epic and as the minimalist verses give way to the huge chorus, it feels like walking from 42nd street into Time Square, or standing on top of the Empire State Building (not exactly obscure New York references, but this song calls for big comparisons). Love this song.
9/10

Summary: Most of the number ones were at least average, but the entire year was bogged down by the 26-week black (eyed) hole in the summer (and the awful Owl City song). Take 5 weeks away from both Black Eyed Peas songs and evenly distribute them between “Poker Face,” “You Belong With Me,” “Best I Ever Had” and “I Know You Want Me,” then this year is a best of decade candidate for number ones. Oh well. Here’s to hoping that the nation outgrows the Black Eyed Peas in the next decade just like we outgrew shitty acts like Boyz II Men and boy and girl groups this decade.

Reviewing the hits part 2: 2008

Re-posting what I've written stage 2:

2008: The year of the...?

Unlike in the previous years of this decade, there wasn't really a dominating trend that drove pop music. It seems as if Auto-tune is more than just a trend, since T-Pain and Rihanna had great years once again. One of the more notable, and one of my favorite things that happened this year, was that Lil Wayne exploded from an internet phenom into international stardom. Unfortunately, his worst song was the one that reached number one. Before this recap, I didn't really think that this was a great year for pop music, but I realized that most of these #1s are at least solid, even though there is no amazing song like last year's Umbrella, and some of them are very good. The public did a pretty good job choosing which songs should reach #1. Anyway, I'd just like to add that this year was a bitch to recap, since so many songs traded off spots at number one, probably due to Billboard's increasing reliance on online sales.

Low - Flo Rida ft. T- Pain: 1/5-3/8 (10 Weeks)
It's hard to remember now, but the first two and a half months or so of '08 were dominated by Flo Rida, or more accurately T-Pain. I'm not sure if there is any number one in the history of pop music that's popularity had less to do with the album artist than this one. The popularity of this song is almost completely due to T-Pain and his instantly catchy, but endlessly annoying auto-tuned chorus. Flo Rida is barely here. I can hardly understand what he's saying most of the time and when I can understand it, it is bland and derivative. This song caused many a suburban housewife to ask their kids "What are apple bottom jeans?"
5/10

Love In This Club - Usher ft. Young Jeezy: 3/15-3/29 (3 Weeks)
The first time I heard this song, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a banger like Yeah, but instead a slower, more "romantic" song. However, the song quickly grew on me as I gradually understood that the beat was amazing in its own right. When I learned that producer Palow da Don created the beat on Garage Band, I was even more impressed. It took me a bit, but I loved the song even more when I figured out that Usher was being completely literal, saying that he wants to make love to this girl right now. On the dancefloor. In front of everybody. "If we close our eyes it could be just me and you," he says. Anyway, Young Jeezy shows up for a standard guest rap, but his raspy voice sounds great against the stuttering synth. The piano arpeggios at the end seal the deal and make this song one of the best of the year.
9/10

Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis: 4/5, 4/26, 5/10-17 (4 remarkably unconsecutive weeks)
This is a standard big voiced ballad from Britain's new Mariah sound-a-like Leona Lewis. The song is a standard 50's progression with big drums and a big, catchy chorus. However, I have to say it's very effective and better than anything Mariah has done in at least a decade. The lyrics are pretty dumb, but Leona makes the most of it, especially after the key change and she really starts belting, at around the 3:00 mark. Not bad, not great, but about as good as this type of song can get.
7/10

Touch My Body - Mariah Carey: 4/12-19 (2 Weeks)
My main problem with Mariah is that she has such a great voice, but she has no idea how to use it, which is one of the reasons why I hated her 2005 mega hit We Belong Together. This is a song that anyone could sing and Mariah's amazing voice is completely wasted. The writers should've just thrown this one at Jessica Simpson and give Mariah something challenging. At least she doesn't overdo it and belt her lungs out and go on the those completely unnecessary vocal runs. The track is musically uninteresting and completely unoriginal, and the uselessness of the song is enhanced by the fact that I don't find Mariah particularly attractive. One extra point for Kenneth the Page in the music video.
3/10

Lollipop - Lil Wayne ft. Static Major: 5/3, 5/31-6/21 (5 Weeks)
This is the sound of a rapper selling out. As much as I love Lil Wayne, I really can't stand this song. Lil Wayne basically drowns himself in his auto-tune and barely even raps. The vocal hooks are unoriginal and basically every line he uses in this song is borrowed from his earlier work, even his "so sweet makes you want to lick the (w)rapper" line. The song really starts to piss me off when he bites "My Humps." Really, Wayne? Really? It's way too long and grating after one or two lyrics. The beat is nothing special and the concept was old when 50 Cent talked about his lollipop. However, I guess the ends justify the means and the song helped the excellent Tha Carter III become the best-selling album of the year. Weezy is a smart man.
4/10

Take a Bow - Rihanna: 5/24 (1 week)
This song is simultaneously Rihanna's victory lap after her amazing 2007 and her attempt at topping "Irreplaceable". The song is a simple piano ballad that, I'm sorry to say, as much as I love Rihanna, she simply does not have the pipes for. It's boring and forgettable. Enters one ear, leaves through the other. Sorry, Rihanna, if you're reading (a man can dream), but this is your worst song.
3/10

Viva la Vida - Coldplay: 6/28 (1 Week)
Hey look, guys! Modern rock! To paraphrase Being John Malkovich, it doesn't seem like anyone is looking for a rock song in today's wintry economic climate. I'm impressed that Coldplay reached number one. However, I've never liked Coldplay. My complaints about Coldplay are basically the same as everyone elses: indecipherable lyrics, music for people who don't like music, a homeless man's Radiohead, incredibly gay, etc. However, I think that this is probably Coldplay's best song since "Clocks" and it doesn't really sound like anything I've ever heard by the band. It is decent and listenable. However, just because it doesn't sound like anything the band has ever done does not mean it is original, since Joe Satriani is suing Coldplay for plagiarism for this song . He's doing what U2 and Radiohead should've done years ago. [ed. note: I don't recall exactly what came of this case, but I'm pretty sure it was thrown out. The similarities between Coldplay's song and Satch's song are probably not criminal]
6/10

I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry: 7/5-8/16 (7 Weeks)
Let me preface this review by saying that Katy Perry is a very, very attractive woman. That said, this song sucks balls. Just major balls. She tries to sound like Joan Jett, but she winds up sounding like a sexually confused Fall Out Boy. Also, the utter stupidity of the line "I hope my boyfriend don't mind it" pisses me off every time. What guy isn't turned on by his girlfriend kissing some other girl? The song tries to be edgy, but winds up being just as much of a gimmick as "Lollipop". A forgettable bridge featuring lines like "Us girls we are so magical," is the icing on the awful, awful cake.
1/10

Disturbia - Rihanna: 8/23-30 (2 Weeks)
"Bum bum be-dum bum bum be dum bum"
It's in you head now, isn't it? Easily the catchiest song of the year, it's also one of the best. It's easy to forget that the song is about mental illness (not really though, the words are completely unimportant). Though she's often left out of the auto-tune conversation, it is essential to her sound. It gives her a detached persona that work great for songs like these. She uses the auto-tune as an artistic tool, not a cheap gimmick. She sounds like a sex robot from the year 2775. The verses are great, the chorus is great, and the bridge is fantastic. I really love this song.
"Bum bum be-dum bum bum be dum bum" [ed. note: This song is inevitably intertwined with my memories of my Freshman year of college and football pregames, which may skew the rating a bit]
10/10 (rounded up from a 9.5)

Whatever You Like - T.I.: 9/6-20; 10/4-11; 11/1-8 (7 Weeks)
I really love this song. This song was produced by the same guy who produced Lollipop (Jim Jonsin) and it shows. The strong is structurally similar to Lollipop. They both feature a southern rapper who barely raps on the song. However, where Wayne fails, T.I. knocks it out of the park. T.I. is much more comfortable rapping over this type of beat and his style translates much better to a more mainstream song than Wayne does. It has great synth overtones including a bubbly square sound echoing the melody and a heavy saw providing the bassline. Tip glides over the beat and sounds like the smoothest man alive. The synth outro is great as well. It's no What You Know, but what is? I would argue that this is probably the song of the year, considering the amount of time on top of the charts and its cultural cachet (it spawned many parodies including one by Weird Al).
Also, this video:

And this: http://joe-biden.ytmnd.com/
8/10

So What - P!nk: 9/27 (1 Week)
A deliciously stupid/clever kiss off to her ex-husband. I have hated absolutely everything that P!nk has ever done up until this song. However, as soon as I heard the opening guitar lick of this song followed by the line "I guess I just lost my husband, I don't know where he went", I realized there's a first time for everything. The song is catchy as hell, with memorable verses and a big chorus, in which she calls her ex a tool. P!nk, for the first time, actually is believably angry and gives a great vocal performance. However, during the verses, she falls back into some of the things that makes me hate P!nk so much, like gratuitous insults of blonde bimbos ("Jessica Simp-shit," is a pretty stupid line) and repetitive lyrics (Is someone gonna start a fight? Are you sure?), which keeps me from giving this song anything more than:
7/10

Live Your Life - T.I. ft. Rihanna: 10/18; 11/15-12/6; 12/20 (6 Weeks)
2008 was a very interesting year for T.I., to say the least. He was under house arrest for almost the entire year, after he was arrested for illegal purchase of an automatic weapon. This caused a creative renaissance for the man and 2008 became T.I.'s most commercially successful year by far. T.I. enlists fellow 2008 MVP candidate Rihanna to sing a chorus that samples the Numa Numa Song and deliver one of the catchiest hooks of the year. When I first heard the Just Blaze beat, it bothered me a bit. However, in further listens, I realized that the beat was meticulously constructed and filled with details that reward repeat listens. T.I. dedicates the song to the troops, but the song could also easily be about his struggles with the law and himself, trying to simply live his life [ed. note: shut up, I know it's cheesy]. T.I.'s flow is great, but his lyrics are besides the point, and Rihanna gives us a fantastic bridge. All of this is secondary however, to the monstrous chorus, giving the simplest and possibly most poignant message of the year:
"Just live your life, ayyyyyyyyy"
9/10

Womanizer - Britney Spears: 10/25 (1 Week)
God I hate this song. By an immense stroke of luck, Katy Perry does not have the worst #1 of 2008. As far as I can tell, there are only about four words in this song and three of them are "womanizer." Britney's voice is particularly grating on this one. This song is rivaled only by Fergie's London Bridge in its ability to give me a migraine. Song, I know just what you are: Shitty song, oh shitty song, you're just a shitty song.
0/10

Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyonce: 12/13; 12/27-Present (Four Weeks, so far)
We've saved the best for last. This song was easily the most minimalist on the charts in 2008, and possibly the best. The beat is basically some electronic toms, handclaps, some synth during the chorus and bridge and that siren noise that repeats throughout the song like a warning for all the men in the world and a call to arms for all the women. Beyonce gives possibly the best vocal performance of her career. After a quiet '07, Beyonce came roaring back to remind the Britneys and Katy Perrys of the world how a real single lady should behave and perform, and also to remind them who is the reigning queen of pop music. Here's hoping this remains at number one for the forseeable future.
10/10

Overall: This was a pretty good year for #1s, if not for pop music in general. Some great songs reached number one this year, and most of the crappy ones weren't that bad. We can owe this surprisingly good list of #1s to the internet, which allows for better songs to reach the top of the charts, as evidenced by the surge of popularity of great songs like Paper Planes. Here's to a great 2009.

Reviewing the Billboard Number One Hits

While the Billboard chart is somewhat irrelevant in the days of iTunes and the Hype Machine, it still acts as a good barometer for which songs captured the public consciousness during the year. Every year, I look back on the year in pop culture and I review each one of the Billboard number one hits, commenting on the landscape of pop music during the year. I started reviewing the Billboard hits at the end of each year since 2005, when I was 15 and my tastes and writing ability were far from fully formed, so I'm gonna post the years 2007 through 2009 in separate posts.

Here's 2007 (written when I was 17):

2007: The Year of the Robot

2007 was the year when America was obsessed with synthesized voices. The two people who made the biggest impact on this year's hot 100 were Konvict Music's Akon and the pudgy, cyborg R&B singer of the future: T-Pain. Akon had a multitude of top 40 hits (mostly in the first half of the year). T-Pain dominated the Summer and fall with two #1 hits (and the first one of '08 ). I happen to think that T-Pain's robotic R&B is pretty entertaining, but Akon is pretty annoying, with one exception, which I'll get to later.

Anyway, to the hits:

Irreplaceable - Beyoncé: 12/16/06-2/17/07 (10 Weeks)

"Irreplaceable" is as good as an R&B song can get these days, with a Max Martin-esque beat, heavily featuring acoustic guitar and one of Beyoncé's most powerful vocal performances. The opening "to the left" hook is irresistible and subversive all at once, as the listener expects a dance number, but instead gets a send-off song to a man who did not realize what he had. While I generally prefer Beyoncé in "Crazy in Love" fill the dancefloor mode, "Irreplaceable" is an undeniably effective ballad with clever lyrics and a memorable vocal hook.
Rating: 9/10

Say it Right - Nelly Furtado: 2/24 (1 Week)
While T-Pain and Akon may have dominated '07, Timbaland was no slouch either. This song is a pretty strong, like many of Timbaland's hits, and has a great drum beat and a catchy chorus. It's also incredibly fun sing "eh" after every bar along with Timbo. This is probably my favorite of Nelly's hits and shows a dark side of Furtado that we haven't seen much of, except in "Maneater."
8/10

What Goes Around...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake: 3/3 (1 Week)
Timbo strikes again, this time with his pal Justin. While not as good as "My Love," this song brings Justin back to "Cry Me a River" territory. In fact, if anything, it's just a supersized version of that song. This is a good thing. "Cry Me a River" is a pop masterpiece (it is, just trust me) and the formula works well. As with Beyoncé, I prefer Timberlake in kiss-off mode than romantic mode. The song has a nice little Arabian guitar line running through the beginning. The song really heats up at the 5:30 mark, when the "Comes Around" interlude kicks in with a new drumbeat and stadium synths. While he's no Prince, Timberlake still makes some of the most daring and out-there pop songs of anyone on the current pop landscape and hopefully he works his magic with Timbaland again sometime in the near future.
9/10

This is Why I'm Hot - Mims: 3/10-3/17 (2 Weeks)
The premise is simple really: Mims is hot. He's hot because he's fly. Therefore tautology. You, unfortunately, ain't hot, because, you not. Don't get me wrong, the beat is actually pretty hot, but Mims, unfortunately, is not. Mims says "I could sell a million saying nothing on the track," which is pretty much what he did. The lyrics mainly revolve around the extent of Mims' hotness ("If you take the sun and multiply it's heat ten times over then what you got is me."), but he does not spend so much time focusing on actually why he's hot. If the song was called "This is How Hot I Am," I might have liked it more.
5/10

Glamorous - Fergie featuring Ludacris: 3/24-3/31 (2 Weeks)
In the future, Sesame Street is going to be replaced by Fergie, who loves to use songs to teach people how to spell. G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. That spells glamorous. At least she spelled it right this time, unlike in "Fergalicious" (there's no "e" in "Tasty," Fergie). Anyway, this song sucks and even legendary guest rapper Ludacris can't save it. It's not her worst song, but it's pretty bad.
3/10

Don't Matter - Akon: 4/7-4/14 (2 Weeks)
Akon brings back the chipmunk from "Lonely" and steals the verse melody from the remix to "Ignition" in his only #1 of the year, despite his ubiquity (when this was #1, however, Akon either guested on or produced (or both) 7 other songs in the top 50). Though it attempts to be a heartfelt R&B ballad, one can't help but squirm and think about the lyrics in relation to that time he dry-humped a 15-year-old on stage in Trinidad. "Nobody wanna see us together." Damn straight. Akon is obviously taking more than just musical cues from R. Kelly. Hide all the preteens.
4/10

Give it to Me - Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado: 4/21-4/28 (2 Weeks)
"When Timbo is in the party everybody put up they hands." Especially after that murderer's row of Akon, Fergie and Mims, I am more than relieved to see Timbaland return to the party. The drums are once again fantastic as Timbaland and his two biggest stars take down their various rivals. Just don't pay too much attention to the lyrics.
8/10

Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne: 5/5 (1 Week)
On the one hand, it's good to see some energy in the billboard charts. It too often seems that chart-toppers are hardly even trying. Avril brings her all bringing a cheerleader energy that finds its way to the top of the charts every once and a while. I like the idea of the cheerleader-esque chants during the verses. However, the song is annoying as fuck. Just completely diabolical in it's ability to imprint itself on your memory and piss the hell out of you for the rest of the day.
5/10

Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5: 5/12-5/19, 6/2 (3 Weeks)
This song is miles better than anything else Maroon 5 has ever recorded. I like the dance feel and I think that Maroon 5 should stick to stuff like this in the near future. It is rare that a modern rock song comes along that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out with a nail file.
7/10

Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin') - T-Pain ft. Young Joc: 5/26 (1 Week)
The song is pretty much a succession of pick-up lines. The well-known secret of T-Pain is that any run-of-the-mill R&B song triples its commercial appeal when filtered through a vocoder. It makes you wonder how the robots from Kraftwerk found out about hip-hop, rather than "this song sucks." This song isn't bad, though. The beat is pretty standard but the chorus is catchy as hell. Yung Joc quite literally could not rap his way out of a paper bag (though his lyrical dumbassery is nothing compared to his real-life stupidity: he was arrested in December 2007 for attempting to bring a semi-automatic onto an airplane.) However, even Yung Joc (it pains me even to type his name) can't stop this song from being compulsively listenable and pretty catchy.
6/10

Umbrella - Rihanna ft. Jay-Z: 6/9-7/21 (7 Weeks)
Ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Who knew that the key to writing the year's best pop song was stretching the word "umbrella" to eleven syllables? Rihanna, Jay-Z and songwriter "The-Dream" did. Umbrella is one of the best songs of the year and is incredibly catchy. Rihanna, like T-Pain, sounds more like a robot nun from outer space than a R&B singer, but it hardly matters because the song is a beast. Jay-Z sounds pretty lazy here, though. He made up for it later by releasing the best hip-hop album of the year. The story one goes that Britney passed up on Umbrella, and she actually seems like she would be a pretty good fit for the song. Imagine how huge the song would have been if she didn't.
9/10

Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's: 7/28-8/4 (2 Weeks)
I can't stand this song. If I were Delilah, I would be disgusted about what I had wrought onto the world. This song represents the epitome of shitty emo-pop and, in my ears, it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Isn't it completely crazy and unexpected that there's a black guy in the band that recorded the second most white bread song of the decade (James Blunt probably won't be topped for a couple centuries)
0/10

Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston: 8/11-9/1 (4 Weeks)
A fat 17-year-old Jamaican named Sean Kingston (probably not his real name) accomplished what most people thought was impossible: he brought Ben E. King back to the top of the charts in 2007. Kingston samples "Stand By Me" on this one, waxing poetic about a "beautiful girl" who "did him dirt" and made him "suicidal." While the song is enjoyable, and Sean Kingston sounds very innocent despite singing that he went to prison, by the 100th time I heard this song, I nearly became suicidal.
6/10

Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie: 9/8 (1 Week)
This isn't a Frankie Valli cover, but it should've been. Instead, we are treated to an acoustic ballad from Ms. Ferguson. This might be the worst song of the year. With lyrics like "And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket" (another example of Fergie's mastery of the English language), it tries to be heartfelt, but instead recalls Linus and Lucy. Big girls may not cry, but grown men do when subjected to the music of one Stacy Ferguson for an extended period of time.
0/10

Crank That (Soulja Boy) - Soulja Boy: 9/22, 10/6-11/3 (5 Weeks)
"Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" It's in your head now, isn't it? The biggest internet phenomenon of the year, the Crank That Soulja Boy dance, came courtesy of a little-known 17-year-old (another one) rapper from the South named Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. The song, depending on the day, is either a work of Pop genius or the dumbest thing ever put to tape since that time someone decided to put a tape of Screech from Saved by the Bell having sex on the internet (and probably before that too). I'm going to try to represent the two dueling perspectives. The awesome/awful beat, based on a 7 note keyboard riff and a huge bass hit, is infectious/evil as anything released this year. The dance itself is nothing special/the best thing since the Charleston. The lyrics are retarded/retarded and lines like "watch me crank that robocop" add to the song's charm/depravity. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" is the best/worst song of the year. Now watch me youuuuuuuuu!
(1)0/10

Stronger - Kanye West: 9/29 (1 Week)
Our brief reprieve from Soulja Boy came in the form of a harder, better and faster Kanye West (I guess he's stronger, too). Kanye is probably my favorite rapper right now. While some of his lyrics are dumb, even the clunkers tend to grow on you because Kanye is so damn likable [editor's note: this was before Swift-gate - I still find Kanye's on-record persona to be very appealing]. The beat is undeniable and one of the best of the year. This song brought nearly everyone together: white dudes and black dudes, French people and Americans, indie house fans and Hip-Hop fans. Even Sarkozy probably liked this one.
9/10

Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown ft. T-Pain: 11/10-11/24 (3 Weeks)
Chris Brown is a fucking great performer [ed. note: sorta a shame what happened, eh?]. I hadn't really liked any of his songs, though, before I heard this one. T-Pain is back from outer space to give Brown a hand with the ladies (as if he needed help). The chorus is catchy and doesn't wear thin, even if you hear the song three times a day, like I did in its heyday.
7/10

No One - Alicia Keys: 12/1-12/29 (5 Weeks)
Some people really like this song. I don't. I think it's melodramatic and I don't particularly think Keys is suited for this type of song. Leave these to Christina, who has a voice strong enough to deliver the goods. She almost sounds like she's crying, which would be a plus if the lyrics weren't so impersonal and schlocky. It comes off as annoying, rather than heartbreaking.
4/10

That was 2007. In general, pretty bipolar in terms of quality - which explains why Soulja Boy had the song of the year.