Y’all didn’t think you were gonna see me? I’m the Osiris of this shit! I know I’m late and that 2013 was entire MONTHS ago. Real life shit got in the way, but now I’m here to for the 14th edition of my Billboard review. I started this when I was fifteen, and I’m sure as shit not stopping now.
After murmurings in 2012 in the form of “Call Me Maybe” and “Gangnam Style,” the memeification of the Billboard charts took full effect in 2013. In February, the Billboard Hot 100 changed its methodology to include Youtube views. In theory, this development makes a lot of sense. Tons of young listeners (the only people this particular chart cares about) use Youtube as a primary source of music. But introducing Youtube submits the Hot 100 to the mercurial whims of the Internet, leading to some chart randomness and some truly left field songs to climb the charts. Kanye West’s biggest chart hit of the year wasn’t “Bound 2” or “New Slaves,” but his classic “Gone,” reaching number 18 on the back of a viral video. “Harlem Shake” topped the charts for five weeks just because some weirdo decided to film himself dancing to the song in a Daft Punk helmet. Smarter people than I have noted that the new Billboard methodologies marginalize minority audience and the results seem to bear that out. All the artists who reached number one in 2013 are white, and many reached number one by appropriating traditionally black genres. It’s a disturbing trend, especially after Hip-Hop and R&B dominated the 2000s.
Though the skin tone of the charting artists was monochromatic, the hits were somewhat varied. 2013 saw traditional pop ballads, R&B pastiche, trap music, novelty rap and whatever the fuck “Royals” is, reach the top of the charts. There were no classics like “Call Me Maybe,” but how good was last year’s crop of number ones? Let’s find out.
The Hits:
“Locked Out of Heaven” – Bruno Mars: 12/22/2012-1/26/2013 (6 Weeks)
I already covered this song in last year’s roundup. Here’s the short version: This song sounds like The Police, but is not as good as the Police.
6/10
“Thrift Shop” – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis ft. Wanz: 2/2-2/23, 4/6-4/13 (6 Weeks)
Let me be clear. It’s hard for me to be rational when talking about this song. Macklemore, the rap game Martin Prince, deigns to give us fashion advice when he has the worst hair in music since well...Vanilla Ice. He manages to stay on the beat, but his grating frayed vocal, coupled with Ryan Lewis’s Playmobil® “My First Rap Beat,” induces migraines, even before you register his lyrics. I don’t endorse the opinion that “Thrift Shop” is tone-deaf or classist, but I do think that every bar drips with a palpable condescension. “I’m not like those other rappers, with their luxury brands and expensive cars,” he says. Well, Macklemore, spending less cash does not make your message any less materialistic than “Versace.” The only way Macklemore is different from all the other rappers is that those rappers occasionally have something interesting to say. Oh right, and he’s white, hence he’s a Grammy winner. I’ll give a point to Wanz, though. He seems like a cool guy.
1/10
“Harlem Shake” – Baauer: 3/2-3/30 (5 weeks).
If you type “Harlem Shake” into Youtube, you get 4.8 million results. You have to scroll down to the bottom of the page to get a full version of the audio. The song is inextricably tied to the meme, which jumped the shark sometime between the song reaching the top of the charts and Chris Bosh doing his version of the Bluth Chicken Dance, but it stands pretty well on its own. The meme came about because the drop is fucking huge, with the air raid synths giving way to the massive bass line. “Harlem Shake” is such an odd collection of sounds, with handclaps, keyboards ripped from “Goodie Bag,” a high-pitched Spanish hook and even a roaring lion. If every generation gets the “Macarena” it deserves, then we are waaaaay better than people from the 90s.
8/10
“When I Was Your Man” – Bruno Mars: 4/20 (1 Week)
Bruno Mars is a talented songwriter, but his genre experiments never feel like more than pastiche. In “When I Was Your Man,” he tries a piano ballad in the vein of “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” or “Vienna,” to express his melodramatic regret about driving his woman away. To be fair to Mr. Mars, he nails the tone on this one, with a song structure that is familiar, but not too predictable, but I have never bought this type of song. The problem lies in the lyrics, which strive to be earnest, but end up cheesy and fail to support the impassioned vocal. We need a name for people who are objectively talented, but whose overall competence comes at the expense of their personality. Bruno Mars is one of those. Ooh, let's call them John Stocktons.
6/10
“Just Give Me a Reason” – Pink ft. Nate Ruess: 4/27-5/11 (3 Weeks)
For the first half of her career, Pink had an attitude. She was marketed as the punky alternative to Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, taking potshots at them in her lyrics. Now, Pink is the person they call when Katy Perry passes on a track. “Just Give Me A Reason,” sounds like an outtake from last year’s fun. album, which I strongly dislike. Like “We Are Young,” the verses are far too busy, with chord changes that are too complicated for the melody, and Nate Ruess’s fifth rate Freddie Mercury impression is as grating as ever. The saving graces: the melody on the chorus is great, and the transition to the bridge is seamless, not too mention Pink’s powerful performance. But how am I supposed to buy these two as an evenly matched couple if I get the strong impression that Pink could beat Ruess in arm wrestling with just one pinky?
5/10
“Can’t Hold Us” – Macklemore & Ryan Lewis: 5/18-6/15 (5 Weeks)
I don’t hate “Can’t Hold Us.” It’s a pump up song, meant to be played at NBA arenas or commercials for sports drinks, and it seems to succeed. There is a neat horn section in the middle that sounds like “Make It Rain.” The problem again is Macklemore, who isn’t as unbearably condescending as he is on other tracks, but his verses are empty space. Macklemore essentially plays a Flo Rida role, filling the space between the hooks. Not one hot line. The closest he gets to dropping a hot line is a hamfisted reference to everybody’s favorite Price is Right game. Ray Dalton seems nice, though.
3/10
“Blurred Lines” – Robin Thicke ft. Pharrell & T.I.: 6/22-9/7 (12 Weeks)
Do you want to know the easiest way to get to number one on the Billboard charts in the Youtube era? Hire some naked models to appear in your video. It doesn’t hurt that “Blurred Lines” is a pretty good song on its own right, with a creamy bass line, evoking the lighthearted that regularly topped the charts in the mid-70s. Yes, it’s hard to look past the lyrics, which when combined with the video are at best icky and at worst predatory. I think “Blurred Lines,” is a come on, not a demand, and “I know you want it” is hardly an original sentiment in R&B music. Thicke is creepy, but the song is fun, and T.I.’s rap echoes his great “My Love” verse. “Blurred Lines” is a good song that neither I, nor anybody else, ever needs to hear again. It’s gonna kill at 2010s party’s in 20 years, though.
7/10
“Roar” – Katy Perry: 9/14-9/21 (2 Weeks)
“Roar,” Katy’s eighth number one single and potential answer to what the fox says, has a great chorus, but otherwise feels a bit underwritten. Where’s the bridge? There’s a pause where the bridge should be, but then nothing. I feel cheated. “Roar” is incomplete, and feels derivative of other, better songs, even in the chorus (the tired reference to “Eye of the Tiger”; the notable similarity to Sara Bareilles’ “Brave”), and it seemed to reach number one by default. It’s the sign of a huge pop star that even the minor singles dominate the radio.
4/10
“Wrecking Ball” – Miley Cyrus: 9/28-10/5; 12/14 (3 Weeks)
Like for “Blurred Lines,” I can’t go any further without talking about the video. One would not expect the video for a song called “Wrecking Ball” to be subtle, but come on. There she is, tongue-bathing a sledgehammer, unconvincingly crying during her Sinead O’Connor close up and obviously riding a goddamn wrecking ball through a plastic wall. The song itself is about as subtle as the video. It has a great vocal melody on the verse, and on the first half of the chorus, but those “WREEEECCKK ME!” bleats during what should be the resolution and emotional climax irritate more than they titillate. At least somebody remembered to write a bridge (AHEM KATY PERRY!).
5/10
“Royals” – Lorde: 10/12-12/7 (9 Weeks)
“Royals” eventually reached “Rolling in the Deep” levels of radio popularity, but before it was played to death it was one of the best singles of the year. Lorde and producer/co-writer Joel Little crafted a unique hit out of a minimalist drumbeat, synth bass, and those finger-snaps. The sparse arrangement highlights Lorde’s synthetic vocal harmonies, which fill out the space. In fact, the number one hit it most resembles from the past ten years is probably “Drop It Like It’s Hot.” Of course, “Royals” strategically positions herself against the activities championed by that song and many others. Lorde crafted an anthem for those who can’t afford to go to clubs or drive Maybachs, and maybe don’t need those comforts. Instead, she’s “cracked the code,” counting her pennies on the train (public transportation!) dreaming of a day when she’s on top of the pop world writing her own rules. That day might come sooner than we think.
8/10
“The Monster” – Eminem ft. Rihanna: 12/21-12/28
Please don’t make me write anything about “Love the Way You Lie 2: Electric Boogalo.”
2/10
In summation: It was a strange year for number ones, with three legitimate left-field hits dominating the charts. It seems as if the addition of YouTube streams will somewhat democratize the Hot 100, allowing songs without much major label promotion to reach the top of the charts. However, in the future, maybe we should use our newfound power as listeners to boost somebody who is not as shitty as Macklemore.
Best: "Royals"
Worst: "Thrift Shop"
