I posted this back in December.
2009 – The weirdest year for number ones in a long time.
2009 was actually a fairly decent year for pop music. For the most part, the radio pop was harmless and occasionally enjoyable. However, this is not represented in this year’s slate of number ones, one of the weakest in a long time. With the exception of one superstar in the making (you can guess who), none of the new artists who reached number one seem to have any staying power whatsoever. I doubt we’ll be hearing too much from Jason DeRulo or (hope to god) Owl City in the next decade. This year’s #1s would probably be much more interesting if it weren’t for the Black Eyed Peas’ 26-week reign of terror. The Black Eyed Peas inexplicably dominated the middle of the year, with two seemingly forgettable, not even that catchy songs. The last time one artist dominated a year like this was in 2004, when Usher dominated the charts. In 2004, it was clear that Usher was the biggest star in the world, while the Black Eyed Peas seemed to generate mostly “meh”s, as “I Gotta Feeling” and “Boom Boom Pow” stayed at the top spot. The 26 straight weeks the BEPs stayed atop the charts was clearly a record, but does that mean that they were more dominant than the Bee Gees in 1977? Neither of the songs seemed particularly ubiquitous over the summer (#2’s “Best I Ever Had” and “Party in the USA” seemed to have more radio play and more water-cooler discussion) and it seems unlikely that either of these low-IQ hookfests will stand the test of one year, let alone 30. Whatever. Talking about this too much makes me sad, let’s head on to the hits:
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) – Beyonce – (12/13/2008; 12/27/2008-1/10/09) (4 weeks)
Reviewed in the 2008 list
Just Dance – Lady Gaga ft. Colby O’Donis – (1/17-1/31) (3 weeks)
Though this was Lady Gaga’s first hit, it showcases almost none of the musical chops or irresistible catchiness of some of her later songs. Gaga didn’t have her coming out party until a couple weeks after this. Listening to this song, it isn’t hard to understand why some people (including myself) believed that Ms. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta would be a flash-in-the-pan one-hit wonder. Just Dance doesn’t feature any of Gaga’s trademark techniques or vocal tics and exudes almost no personality. Stupid lyrics and a “Konvict” chant in the beginning leant credence to my theory that she was another useless Akon protégé. Luckily, her next singles proved us wrong, but Just Dance is fairly unimpressive and annoying.
5/10
My Life Would Suck Without You – Kelly Clarkson – (2/7-2/14) (2 weeks)
This is a transparent attempt by Clarkson to recapture the popularity of “Since U Been Gone” (which actually only reached number 2). The opening guitar lick and the soft-LOUD-soft dynamic are obvious callbacks to her greatest hit. However, this song conveys the opposite message of Since U Been Gone, and to me it shows a disconcerting regression in her attitude, as in the first song she was an independent woman who did not need a man in her life, but now she’s begging a man to take her back. Since U Been Gone is an almost impossible standard to live up to (I love that song), but I don’t think the song stands well on its own either. It’s nice to see some (non-synthesized) guitars on the top of the charts though, because this is sorta it for guitar in 2009.
5/10
Crack a Bottle – Eminem ft. Dr. Dre and 50 Cent – (2/21) (1 week)
These three men ruled the roost in the beginning and middle of the decade, as everything they touched turn to gold. The Dr. Dre-Eminem tree of influence dominated rap and popular charts and 50 was the biggest star of any kind in the world. Since then, Eminem has suffered a personal break down, entering rehab and suffering more familial drama with Kim and his mother and lost his best friend, Proof, who was murdered. Dr. Dre was still producing beats for young artists he wanted to promote, but he stopped rapping after his excellent Chronic 2001 record. 50 ran out of things to rap about after he transformed himself from David to Goliath and had an ill-advised beef with Kanye. Now he spends most of his time shilling for Vitamin Water. None of these men are on top of their game on this track, but it’s nice to see Aftermath return to number one. Dr. Dre’s clearly ghostwritten guest rap is pedestrian, and so is 50’s. Eminem hasn’t been the same since The Marshall Mathers LP and he never really seems comfortable on club jams or crowd pleasing songs like this one and none of his Shady persona is evident on this track. It’s sad to see an Eminem who lacks any of the fire that he used to bring to even the most meaningless guest appearances, but this is a mostly serviceable club track, since even Dre’s worst beat is better than 99% of his imitators’ best.
6/10
Right Round – Flo Rida ft. Ke$ha – (2/28-4/4) (6 Weeks)
Flo Rida is a rare beast: a rapper with absolutely no personality. He doesn’t claim to be from the streets or anything. He never seems to show up on TV and he never talks about himself in any of his songs. The only things we know about him are a) he has money, b) he likes to spend it on jewelry and strippers, and c) he’s from Florida. His music isn’t very distinctive either. He seems to have the same musical approach as Puff Daddy in the late 90s – play on people’s nostalgia to compensate for lack of creativity and rhyming skills. This song uses the great “You Spin Me Round (Like a Record” by Dead or Alive and adds basically nothing, just altering the chorus to include more innuendo. Out of left-field surprise: Ke$ha, who sings half the chorus on this song and contributes nothing else, has the current number one hit (the first of the new decade, so not reviewed ‘til next year), “Tik Tok,” a semi-pleasant slice of electropop. This song, however, is derivative as they come and not even terrible in the way of some Ja Rule songs. Just average.
5/10
Poker Face – Lady Gaga – (4/11) (1 week) (it was number two for several weeks afterwards)
This song marked the true emergence of one of the most interesting and original pop stars this decade: Lady (probably) Gaga. Of the four major Gaga songs of 2009 (Just Dance, Poker Face, Paparazzi, Bad Romance), the better two failed to reach number one. Poker Face, though, is among the best pure pop songs of the year. Though the poker metaphor is a little weak (“I wanna hold ‘em like they do in Texas, yeah!”), the chorus is irresistible and the oh-oh-oh’s dare you not to sing along. This song is where the Gaga/Madonna comparisons really began to stick – along with the constant changing appearance and spacey, less-than-intelligent interviews, Gaga shares the ability to write a song that appeals to the masses, fills dancefloors and gives critics and snobs hope that the pop landscape will not always be barren. And Eric Cartman does a mean rendition too (definitely better than Weezer’s).
A Christmas gift for you:
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/254171/?tab=featured
7.5/10
Boom Boom Pow – Black Eyed Peas – (4/18 – 7/4) (12 Weeks (?!))
This song is unspeakably stupid, but so are some of the best songs of all time (“Louie Louie”). What sets this song apart as one of the worst songs of he decade is the in-your-face, almost proud stupidity displayed by Fergie and friends. Everyone knows the horrible “I’m so 3008, you’re so two thousand and late” line, but that’s probably the wittiest moment of lyricism on the track. Sure it’s catchy, but so is a car alarm. Awful song.
0/10
I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas – (7/11 – 10/10)
Oh, how this song is retarded! Let me list the ways:
- The title – The song is called I Gotta Feeling. However, the word “gotta” is an English slang term for “got to.” Therefore, the title of this song roughly translates “I Got To Feeling,” which makes no sense.
- The intro repeats for the first 1 ½ minutes of the song with absolutely no variation. There is a difference between a catchy melody and a melody that sticks in your head because of constant repetition. BEP seems to be unable to realize the distinction.
- The lyrics - Though the Peas often set the bar for terrible lyrics in a pop song, but I Gotta Feeling take the cake – “Mazel Tov, take it off!” – Mazel Tov is a greeting used at many important celebrations such as Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and Weddings, where the “take it off!” command would be completely inappropriate.
- “Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday…” – This is unacceptable. You can’t just list the days of the week. This isn’t the Happy Days song. This isn’t Sesame Street. Will.i.am should go die in a fire.
Really, my main problem with the Black Eyed Peas is how they don’t even try to make their songs palatable to intelligent music listeners. I like to have faith in the American public and their ability to differentiate good from bad, but sometimes my faith betrays me and stupid wins. The Black Eyed Peas constantly appeal to the lowest common denominator, and that earns them platinum records and Grammy nominations (Grammy voters might actually be the lowest common denominator). I am a strong advocate of the belief that a great pop song is great art, and that FutureSex/LoveSounds can be mentioned in the same breath as Funeral on a best albums of the decade list. However, the Peas exist solely to confirm the haters’ beliefs that Pop music is a load of crap and has been since the 60’s ended. And for that, I hate them and these two songs with fiery passion.
0/10
Bonus list: Songs that Only Peaked at Number 2 behind the Black Eyed Behemoth (in order of preference):
You Belong With Me – Taylor Swift – 8/10
Best I Ever Had – Drake – 8/10
I Know You Want Me – Pitbull - 7/10
Run This Town – Jay-Z – 6.5/10
Party in the USA – Miley Cyrus – 5.5/10
Blame It – Jamie Foxx – 4/10
Any one of these songs would have been a much better number one than either of the BEP songs
Down – Jay Sean ft. Lil Wayne – (10/17; 10/31) (2 Weeks)
"Honestly, I'm down like the economy." – Seriously, Lil Wayne makes any song about 35% better by default. Even though this isn’t one of his very best verses, it takes a mediocre, somewhat run-of-the mill R&B song, only notable because of the nationality of the singer, and makes it enjoyable. I’m gonna miss Weezy when he goes to jail, though he’ll still probably will find some way to record.
5/10
3 – Britney Spears – (10/24) (1 Week)
Britney Spears rejoins the man responsible for making her career, Max Martin. However, this time, the results are far less memorable, as Britney does not retain the same force of personality that she exuded when she burst onto the scene as a 18-year-old. This is fairly standard dance pop, with no real wrinkles except for the falsetto in the pre-chorus, which I can take or leave. This is probably ‘09’s least distinctive number one, which is odd, because even when they’re terrible, Britney songs usually seem more interesting or important than a song by an average imitator.
4/10
Fireflies – Owl City – (11/7; 11/21) (2 Weeks)
What a douche. Seriously. Everyone knows you were ripping off The Postal Service, and then you had to go and deny it? Come on! “Fireflies” is a clear rip off of the entire Give Up aesthetic, with the sensitive Indie vocals over the electronic backdrop. Though Postal Service/Death Cab singer Ben Gibbard’s lyrics are a little clunky, they are heartfelt, sweet and innocent and Gibbard sings with enough sincerity to sell them. That douche from Owl City does not. His vocals are a pale imitation of Gibbard’s. His lyrics are atrocious – every cliché in the emo book shows up somewhere (“Cause everything is never as it seems,” “I’d rather stay awake when I’m asleep,” “Please take me away from here”). The bleeps at the beginning seem to be a conscious effort to remind the listener of Such Great Heights. However, the other half of the Postal Service, Jimmy Tamborello brought an elegance and complexity to the programmed beats, and they fit the sensibilities of Gibbard perfectly. Owl City’s beat sounds like it would soundtrack an airline safety video and has the subtlety of that Black Eyed Peas song. Terrible. I feel like calling him a Postal Service rip-off gives him too much credit.
One more unrelated gripe – Make another album, Postal Service! It’s been six years! The market is perfect! If shit like this can reach number one, imagine what your next single could do! Maybe I’m giving the American public too much credit (probably, considering the BEP’s dominance of the charts).
0/10
Whatcha Say - Jason Derulo - (11/14) (1 week)
Though interesting for sampling that Imogen Heap song, Whatcha Say ultimately fails from a lack of talent. Jason Derulo had a great idea to sample Hide and Seek, but couldn't deliver with more than a third-rate pop song. I'm not sure that the sample fits the lyrics too well and Derulo himself gets lost in the sample, which is practically unaltered from the original track. Possibly the weirdest #1 of the year, but nothing special.
4/10
Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys – (11/28-12/26)
As a lifelong Yankee fan and New York resident, I’m not exactly an unbiased observer here, as the song was the unofficial anthem for the team’s World Series victory. That said, every observation that Jay-Z makes about the city rings true and makes me long to hop on the Metro North and walk around Midtown with the song blasting out of my headphones. Though Jay isn’t at his best here, he mostly refrains from boasting about himself (which comprises the rest of Blueprint 3) to pay tribute to the city he loves. The chorus, though, is the best thing Alica Keys has ever recorded. It is suitably epic and as the minimalist verses give way to the huge chorus, it feels like walking from 42nd street into Time Square, or standing on top of the Empire State Building (not exactly obscure New York references, but this song calls for big comparisons). Love this song.
9/10
Summary: Most of the number ones were at least average, but the entire year was bogged down by the 26-week black (eyed) hole in the summer (and the awful Owl City song). Take 5 weeks away from both Black Eyed Peas songs and evenly distribute them between “Poker Face,” “You Belong With Me,” “Best I Ever Had” and “I Know You Want Me,” then this year is a best of decade candidate for number ones. Oh well. Here’s to hoping that the nation outgrows the Black Eyed Peas in the next decade just like we outgrew shitty acts like Boyz II Men and boy and girl groups this decade.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Reviewing the hits part 2: 2008
Re-posting what I've written stage 2:
2008: The year of the...?
Unlike in the previous years of this decade, there wasn't really a dominating trend that drove pop music. It seems as if Auto-tune is more than just a trend, since T-Pain and Rihanna had great years once again. One of the more notable, and one of my favorite things that happened this year, was that Lil Wayne exploded from an internet phenom into international stardom. Unfortunately, his worst song was the one that reached number one. Before this recap, I didn't really think that this was a great year for pop music, but I realized that most of these #1s are at least solid, even though there is no amazing song like last year's Umbrella, and some of them are very good. The public did a pretty good job choosing which songs should reach #1. Anyway, I'd just like to add that this year was a bitch to recap, since so many songs traded off spots at number one, probably due to Billboard's increasing reliance on online sales.
Low - Flo Rida ft. T- Pain: 1/5-3/8 (10 Weeks)
It's hard to remember now, but the first two and a half months or so of '08 were dominated by Flo Rida, or more accurately T-Pain. I'm not sure if there is any number one in the history of pop music that's popularity had less to do with the album artist than this one. The popularity of this song is almost completely due to T-Pain and his instantly catchy, but endlessly annoying auto-tuned chorus. Flo Rida is barely here. I can hardly understand what he's saying most of the time and when I can understand it, it is bland and derivative. This song caused many a suburban housewife to ask their kids "What are apple bottom jeans?"
5/10
Love In This Club - Usher ft. Young Jeezy: 3/15-3/29 (3 Weeks)
The first time I heard this song, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a banger like Yeah, but instead a slower, more "romantic" song. However, the song quickly grew on me as I gradually understood that the beat was amazing in its own right. When I learned that producer Palow da Don created the beat on Garage Band, I was even more impressed. It took me a bit, but I loved the song even more when I figured out that Usher was being completely literal, saying that he wants to make love to this girl right now. On the dancefloor. In front of everybody. "If we close our eyes it could be just me and you," he says. Anyway, Young Jeezy shows up for a standard guest rap, but his raspy voice sounds great against the stuttering synth. The piano arpeggios at the end seal the deal and make this song one of the best of the year.
9/10
Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis: 4/5, 4/26, 5/10-17 (4 remarkably unconsecutive weeks)
This is a standard big voiced ballad from Britain's new Mariah sound-a-like Leona Lewis. The song is a standard 50's progression with big drums and a big, catchy chorus. However, I have to say it's very effective and better than anything Mariah has done in at least a decade. The lyrics are pretty dumb, but Leona makes the most of it, especially after the key change and she really starts belting, at around the 3:00 mark. Not bad, not great, but about as good as this type of song can get.
7/10
Touch My Body - Mariah Carey: 4/12-19 (2 Weeks)
My main problem with Mariah is that she has such a great voice, but she has no idea how to use it, which is one of the reasons why I hated her 2005 mega hit We Belong Together. This is a song that anyone could sing and Mariah's amazing voice is completely wasted. The writers should've just thrown this one at Jessica Simpson and give Mariah something challenging. At least she doesn't overdo it and belt her lungs out and go on the those completely unnecessary vocal runs. The track is musically uninteresting and completely unoriginal, and the uselessness of the song is enhanced by the fact that I don't find Mariah particularly attractive. One extra point for Kenneth the Page in the music video.
3/10
Lollipop - Lil Wayne ft. Static Major: 5/3, 5/31-6/21 (5 Weeks)
This is the sound of a rapper selling out. As much as I love Lil Wayne, I really can't stand this song. Lil Wayne basically drowns himself in his auto-tune and barely even raps. The vocal hooks are unoriginal and basically every line he uses in this song is borrowed from his earlier work, even his "so sweet makes you want to lick the (w)rapper" line. The song really starts to piss me off when he bites "My Humps." Really, Wayne? Really? It's way too long and grating after one or two lyrics. The beat is nothing special and the concept was old when 50 Cent talked about his lollipop. However, I guess the ends justify the means and the song helped the excellent Tha Carter III become the best-selling album of the year. Weezy is a smart man.
4/10
Take a Bow - Rihanna: 5/24 (1 week)
This song is simultaneously Rihanna's victory lap after her amazing 2007 and her attempt at topping "Irreplaceable". The song is a simple piano ballad that, I'm sorry to say, as much as I love Rihanna, she simply does not have the pipes for. It's boring and forgettable. Enters one ear, leaves through the other. Sorry, Rihanna, if you're reading (a man can dream), but this is your worst song.
3/10
Viva la Vida - Coldplay: 6/28 (1 Week)
Hey look, guys! Modern rock! To paraphrase Being John Malkovich, it doesn't seem like anyone is looking for a rock song in today's wintry economic climate. I'm impressed that Coldplay reached number one. However, I've never liked Coldplay. My complaints about Coldplay are basically the same as everyone elses: indecipherable lyrics, music for people who don't like music, a homeless man's Radiohead, incredibly gay, etc. However, I think that this is probably Coldplay's best song since "Clocks" and it doesn't really sound like anything I've ever heard by the band. It is decent and listenable. However, just because it doesn't sound like anything the band has ever done does not mean it is original, since Joe Satriani is suing Coldplay for plagiarism for this song . He's doing what U2 and Radiohead should've done years ago. [ed. note: I don't recall exactly what came of this case, but I'm pretty sure it was thrown out. The similarities between Coldplay's song and Satch's song are probably not criminal]
6/10
I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry: 7/5-8/16 (7 Weeks)
Let me preface this review by saying that Katy Perry is a very, very attractive woman. That said, this song sucks balls. Just major balls. She tries to sound like Joan Jett, but she winds up sounding like a sexually confused Fall Out Boy. Also, the utter stupidity of the line "I hope my boyfriend don't mind it" pisses me off every time. What guy isn't turned on by his girlfriend kissing some other girl? The song tries to be edgy, but winds up being just as much of a gimmick as "Lollipop". A forgettable bridge featuring lines like "Us girls we are so magical," is the icing on the awful, awful cake.
1/10
Disturbia - Rihanna: 8/23-30 (2 Weeks)
"Bum bum be-dum bum bum be dum bum"
It's in you head now, isn't it? Easily the catchiest song of the year, it's also one of the best. It's easy to forget that the song is about mental illness (not really though, the words are completely unimportant). Though she's often left out of the auto-tune conversation, it is essential to her sound. It gives her a detached persona that work great for songs like these. She uses the auto-tune as an artistic tool, not a cheap gimmick. She sounds like a sex robot from the year 2775. The verses are great, the chorus is great, and the bridge is fantastic. I really love this song.
"Bum bum be-dum bum bum be dum bum" [ed. note: This song is inevitably intertwined with my memories of my Freshman year of college and football pregames, which may skew the rating a bit]
10/10 (rounded up from a 9.5)
Whatever You Like - T.I.: 9/6-20; 10/4-11; 11/1-8 (7 Weeks)
I really love this song. This song was produced by the same guy who produced Lollipop (Jim Jonsin) and it shows. The strong is structurally similar to Lollipop. They both feature a southern rapper who barely raps on the song. However, where Wayne fails, T.I. knocks it out of the park. T.I. is much more comfortable rapping over this type of beat and his style translates much better to a more mainstream song than Wayne does. It has great synth overtones including a bubbly square sound echoing the melody and a heavy saw providing the bassline. Tip glides over the beat and sounds like the smoothest man alive. The synth outro is great as well. It's no What You Know, but what is? I would argue that this is probably the song of the year, considering the amount of time on top of the charts and its cultural cachet (it spawned many parodies including one by Weird Al).
Also, this video:
And this: http://joe-biden.ytmnd.com/
8/10
So What - P!nk: 9/27 (1 Week)
A deliciously stupid/clever kiss off to her ex-husband. I have hated absolutely everything that P!nk has ever done up until this song. However, as soon as I heard the opening guitar lick of this song followed by the line "I guess I just lost my husband, I don't know where he went", I realized there's a first time for everything. The song is catchy as hell, with memorable verses and a big chorus, in which she calls her ex a tool. P!nk, for the first time, actually is believably angry and gives a great vocal performance. However, during the verses, she falls back into some of the things that makes me hate P!nk so much, like gratuitous insults of blonde bimbos ("Jessica Simp-shit," is a pretty stupid line) and repetitive lyrics (Is someone gonna start a fight? Are you sure?), which keeps me from giving this song anything more than:
7/10
Live Your Life - T.I. ft. Rihanna: 10/18; 11/15-12/6; 12/20 (6 Weeks)
2008 was a very interesting year for T.I., to say the least. He was under house arrest for almost the entire year, after he was arrested for illegal purchase of an automatic weapon. This caused a creative renaissance for the man and 2008 became T.I.'s most commercially successful year by far. T.I. enlists fellow 2008 MVP candidate Rihanna to sing a chorus that samples the Numa Numa Song and deliver one of the catchiest hooks of the year. When I first heard the Just Blaze beat, it bothered me a bit. However, in further listens, I realized that the beat was meticulously constructed and filled with details that reward repeat listens. T.I. dedicates the song to the troops, but the song could also easily be about his struggles with the law and himself, trying to simply live his life [ed. note: shut up, I know it's cheesy]. T.I.'s flow is great, but his lyrics are besides the point, and Rihanna gives us a fantastic bridge. All of this is secondary however, to the monstrous chorus, giving the simplest and possibly most poignant message of the year:
"Just live your life, ayyyyyyyyy"
9/10
Womanizer - Britney Spears: 10/25 (1 Week)
God I hate this song. By an immense stroke of luck, Katy Perry does not have the worst #1 of 2008. As far as I can tell, there are only about four words in this song and three of them are "womanizer." Britney's voice is particularly grating on this one. This song is rivaled only by Fergie's London Bridge in its ability to give me a migraine. Song, I know just what you are: Shitty song, oh shitty song, you're just a shitty song.
0/10
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyonce: 12/13; 12/27-Present (Four Weeks, so far)
We've saved the best for last. This song was easily the most minimalist on the charts in 2008, and possibly the best. The beat is basically some electronic toms, handclaps, some synth during the chorus and bridge and that siren noise that repeats throughout the song like a warning for all the men in the world and a call to arms for all the women. Beyonce gives possibly the best vocal performance of her career. After a quiet '07, Beyonce came roaring back to remind the Britneys and Katy Perrys of the world how a real single lady should behave and perform, and also to remind them who is the reigning queen of pop music. Here's hoping this remains at number one for the forseeable future.
10/10
Overall: This was a pretty good year for #1s, if not for pop music in general. Some great songs reached number one this year, and most of the crappy ones weren't that bad. We can owe this surprisingly good list of #1s to the internet, which allows for better songs to reach the top of the charts, as evidenced by the surge of popularity of great songs like Paper Planes. Here's to a great 2009.
2008: The year of the...?
Unlike in the previous years of this decade, there wasn't really a dominating trend that drove pop music. It seems as if Auto-tune is more than just a trend, since T-Pain and Rihanna had great years once again. One of the more notable, and one of my favorite things that happened this year, was that Lil Wayne exploded from an internet phenom into international stardom. Unfortunately, his worst song was the one that reached number one. Before this recap, I didn't really think that this was a great year for pop music, but I realized that most of these #1s are at least solid, even though there is no amazing song like last year's Umbrella, and some of them are very good. The public did a pretty good job choosing which songs should reach #1. Anyway, I'd just like to add that this year was a bitch to recap, since so many songs traded off spots at number one, probably due to Billboard's increasing reliance on online sales.
Low - Flo Rida ft. T- Pain: 1/5-3/8 (10 Weeks)
It's hard to remember now, but the first two and a half months or so of '08 were dominated by Flo Rida, or more accurately T-Pain. I'm not sure if there is any number one in the history of pop music that's popularity had less to do with the album artist than this one. The popularity of this song is almost completely due to T-Pain and his instantly catchy, but endlessly annoying auto-tuned chorus. Flo Rida is barely here. I can hardly understand what he's saying most of the time and when I can understand it, it is bland and derivative. This song caused many a suburban housewife to ask their kids "What are apple bottom jeans?"
5/10
Love In This Club - Usher ft. Young Jeezy: 3/15-3/29 (3 Weeks)
The first time I heard this song, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a banger like Yeah, but instead a slower, more "romantic" song. However, the song quickly grew on me as I gradually understood that the beat was amazing in its own right. When I learned that producer Palow da Don created the beat on Garage Band, I was even more impressed. It took me a bit, but I loved the song even more when I figured out that Usher was being completely literal, saying that he wants to make love to this girl right now. On the dancefloor. In front of everybody. "If we close our eyes it could be just me and you," he says. Anyway, Young Jeezy shows up for a standard guest rap, but his raspy voice sounds great against the stuttering synth. The piano arpeggios at the end seal the deal and make this song one of the best of the year.
9/10
Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis: 4/5, 4/26, 5/10-17 (4 remarkably unconsecutive weeks)
This is a standard big voiced ballad from Britain's new Mariah sound-a-like Leona Lewis. The song is a standard 50's progression with big drums and a big, catchy chorus. However, I have to say it's very effective and better than anything Mariah has done in at least a decade. The lyrics are pretty dumb, but Leona makes the most of it, especially after the key change and she really starts belting, at around the 3:00 mark. Not bad, not great, but about as good as this type of song can get.
7/10
Touch My Body - Mariah Carey: 4/12-19 (2 Weeks)
My main problem with Mariah is that she has such a great voice, but she has no idea how to use it, which is one of the reasons why I hated her 2005 mega hit We Belong Together. This is a song that anyone could sing and Mariah's amazing voice is completely wasted. The writers should've just thrown this one at Jessica Simpson and give Mariah something challenging. At least she doesn't overdo it and belt her lungs out and go on the those completely unnecessary vocal runs. The track is musically uninteresting and completely unoriginal, and the uselessness of the song is enhanced by the fact that I don't find Mariah particularly attractive. One extra point for Kenneth the Page in the music video.
3/10
Lollipop - Lil Wayne ft. Static Major: 5/3, 5/31-6/21 (5 Weeks)
This is the sound of a rapper selling out. As much as I love Lil Wayne, I really can't stand this song. Lil Wayne basically drowns himself in his auto-tune and barely even raps. The vocal hooks are unoriginal and basically every line he uses in this song is borrowed from his earlier work, even his "so sweet makes you want to lick the (w)rapper" line. The song really starts to piss me off when he bites "My Humps." Really, Wayne? Really? It's way too long and grating after one or two lyrics. The beat is nothing special and the concept was old when 50 Cent talked about his lollipop. However, I guess the ends justify the means and the song helped the excellent Tha Carter III become the best-selling album of the year. Weezy is a smart man.
4/10
Take a Bow - Rihanna: 5/24 (1 week)
This song is simultaneously Rihanna's victory lap after her amazing 2007 and her attempt at topping "Irreplaceable". The song is a simple piano ballad that, I'm sorry to say, as much as I love Rihanna, she simply does not have the pipes for. It's boring and forgettable. Enters one ear, leaves through the other. Sorry, Rihanna, if you're reading (a man can dream), but this is your worst song.
3/10
Viva la Vida - Coldplay: 6/28 (1 Week)
Hey look, guys! Modern rock! To paraphrase Being John Malkovich, it doesn't seem like anyone is looking for a rock song in today's wintry economic climate. I'm impressed that Coldplay reached number one. However, I've never liked Coldplay. My complaints about Coldplay are basically the same as everyone elses: indecipherable lyrics, music for people who don't like music, a homeless man's Radiohead, incredibly gay, etc. However, I think that this is probably Coldplay's best song since "Clocks" and it doesn't really sound like anything I've ever heard by the band. It is decent and listenable. However, just because it doesn't sound like anything the band has ever done does not mean it is original, since Joe Satriani is suing Coldplay for plagiarism for this song . He's doing what U2 and Radiohead should've done years ago. [ed. note: I don't recall exactly what came of this case, but I'm pretty sure it was thrown out. The similarities between Coldplay's song and Satch's song are probably not criminal]
6/10
I Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry: 7/5-8/16 (7 Weeks)
Let me preface this review by saying that Katy Perry is a very, very attractive woman. That said, this song sucks balls. Just major balls. She tries to sound like Joan Jett, but she winds up sounding like a sexually confused Fall Out Boy. Also, the utter stupidity of the line "I hope my boyfriend don't mind it" pisses me off every time. What guy isn't turned on by his girlfriend kissing some other girl? The song tries to be edgy, but winds up being just as much of a gimmick as "Lollipop". A forgettable bridge featuring lines like "Us girls we are so magical," is the icing on the awful, awful cake.
1/10
Disturbia - Rihanna: 8/23-30 (2 Weeks)
"Bum bum be-dum bum bum be dum bum"
It's in you head now, isn't it? Easily the catchiest song of the year, it's also one of the best. It's easy to forget that the song is about mental illness (not really though, the words are completely unimportant). Though she's often left out of the auto-tune conversation, it is essential to her sound. It gives her a detached persona that work great for songs like these. She uses the auto-tune as an artistic tool, not a cheap gimmick. She sounds like a sex robot from the year 2775. The verses are great, the chorus is great, and the bridge is fantastic. I really love this song.
"Bum bum be-dum bum bum be dum bum" [ed. note: This song is inevitably intertwined with my memories of my Freshman year of college and football pregames, which may skew the rating a bit]
10/10 (rounded up from a 9.5)
Whatever You Like - T.I.: 9/6-20; 10/4-11; 11/1-8 (7 Weeks)
I really love this song. This song was produced by the same guy who produced Lollipop (Jim Jonsin) and it shows. The strong is structurally similar to Lollipop. They both feature a southern rapper who barely raps on the song. However, where Wayne fails, T.I. knocks it out of the park. T.I. is much more comfortable rapping over this type of beat and his style translates much better to a more mainstream song than Wayne does. It has great synth overtones including a bubbly square sound echoing the melody and a heavy saw providing the bassline. Tip glides over the beat and sounds like the smoothest man alive. The synth outro is great as well. It's no What You Know, but what is? I would argue that this is probably the song of the year, considering the amount of time on top of the charts and its cultural cachet (it spawned many parodies including one by Weird Al).
Also, this video:
And this: http://joe-biden.ytmnd.com/
8/10
So What - P!nk: 9/27 (1 Week)
A deliciously stupid/clever kiss off to her ex-husband. I have hated absolutely everything that P!nk has ever done up until this song. However, as soon as I heard the opening guitar lick of this song followed by the line "I guess I just lost my husband, I don't know where he went", I realized there's a first time for everything. The song is catchy as hell, with memorable verses and a big chorus, in which she calls her ex a tool. P!nk, for the first time, actually is believably angry and gives a great vocal performance. However, during the verses, she falls back into some of the things that makes me hate P!nk so much, like gratuitous insults of blonde bimbos ("Jessica Simp-shit," is a pretty stupid line) and repetitive lyrics (Is someone gonna start a fight? Are you sure?), which keeps me from giving this song anything more than:
7/10
Live Your Life - T.I. ft. Rihanna: 10/18; 11/15-12/6; 12/20 (6 Weeks)
2008 was a very interesting year for T.I., to say the least. He was under house arrest for almost the entire year, after he was arrested for illegal purchase of an automatic weapon. This caused a creative renaissance for the man and 2008 became T.I.'s most commercially successful year by far. T.I. enlists fellow 2008 MVP candidate Rihanna to sing a chorus that samples the Numa Numa Song and deliver one of the catchiest hooks of the year. When I first heard the Just Blaze beat, it bothered me a bit. However, in further listens, I realized that the beat was meticulously constructed and filled with details that reward repeat listens. T.I. dedicates the song to the troops, but the song could also easily be about his struggles with the law and himself, trying to simply live his life [ed. note: shut up, I know it's cheesy]. T.I.'s flow is great, but his lyrics are besides the point, and Rihanna gives us a fantastic bridge. All of this is secondary however, to the monstrous chorus, giving the simplest and possibly most poignant message of the year:
"Just live your life, ayyyyyyyyy"
9/10
Womanizer - Britney Spears: 10/25 (1 Week)
God I hate this song. By an immense stroke of luck, Katy Perry does not have the worst #1 of 2008. As far as I can tell, there are only about four words in this song and three of them are "womanizer." Britney's voice is particularly grating on this one. This song is rivaled only by Fergie's London Bridge in its ability to give me a migraine. Song, I know just what you are: Shitty song, oh shitty song, you're just a shitty song.
0/10
Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It) - Beyonce: 12/13; 12/27-Present (Four Weeks, so far)
We've saved the best for last. This song was easily the most minimalist on the charts in 2008, and possibly the best. The beat is basically some electronic toms, handclaps, some synth during the chorus and bridge and that siren noise that repeats throughout the song like a warning for all the men in the world and a call to arms for all the women. Beyonce gives possibly the best vocal performance of her career. After a quiet '07, Beyonce came roaring back to remind the Britneys and Katy Perrys of the world how a real single lady should behave and perform, and also to remind them who is the reigning queen of pop music. Here's hoping this remains at number one for the forseeable future.
10/10
Overall: This was a pretty good year for #1s, if not for pop music in general. Some great songs reached number one this year, and most of the crappy ones weren't that bad. We can owe this surprisingly good list of #1s to the internet, which allows for better songs to reach the top of the charts, as evidenced by the surge of popularity of great songs like Paper Planes. Here's to a great 2009.
Reviewing the Billboard Number One Hits
While the Billboard chart is somewhat irrelevant in the days of iTunes and the Hype Machine, it still acts as a good barometer for which songs captured the public consciousness during the year. Every year, I look back on the year in pop culture and I review each one of the Billboard number one hits, commenting on the landscape of pop music during the year. I started reviewing the Billboard hits at the end of each year since 2005, when I was 15 and my tastes and writing ability were far from fully formed, so I'm gonna post the years 2007 through 2009 in separate posts.
Here's 2007 (written when I was 17):
2007: The Year of the Robot
2007 was the year when America was obsessed with synthesized voices. The two people who made the biggest impact on this year's hot 100 were Konvict Music's Akon and the pudgy, cyborg R&B singer of the future: T-Pain. Akon had a multitude of top 40 hits (mostly in the first half of the year). T-Pain dominated the Summer and fall with two #1 hits (and the first one of '08 ). I happen to think that T-Pain's robotic R&B is pretty entertaining, but Akon is pretty annoying, with one exception, which I'll get to later.
Anyway, to the hits:
Irreplaceable - Beyoncé: 12/16/06-2/17/07 (10 Weeks)
"Irreplaceable" is as good as an R&B song can get these days, with a Max Martin-esque beat, heavily featuring acoustic guitar and one of Beyoncé's most powerful vocal performances. The opening "to the left" hook is irresistible and subversive all at once, as the listener expects a dance number, but instead gets a send-off song to a man who did not realize what he had. While I generally prefer Beyoncé in "Crazy in Love" fill the dancefloor mode, "Irreplaceable" is an undeniably effective ballad with clever lyrics and a memorable vocal hook.
Rating: 9/10
Say it Right - Nelly Furtado: 2/24 (1 Week)
While T-Pain and Akon may have dominated '07, Timbaland was no slouch either. This song is a pretty strong, like many of Timbaland's hits, and has a great drum beat and a catchy chorus. It's also incredibly fun sing "eh" after every bar along with Timbo. This is probably my favorite of Nelly's hits and shows a dark side of Furtado that we haven't seen much of, except in "Maneater."
8/10
What Goes Around...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake: 3/3 (1 Week)
Timbo strikes again, this time with his pal Justin. While not as good as "My Love," this song brings Justin back to "Cry Me a River" territory. In fact, if anything, it's just a supersized version of that song. This is a good thing. "Cry Me a River" is a pop masterpiece (it is, just trust me) and the formula works well. As with Beyoncé, I prefer Timberlake in kiss-off mode than romantic mode. The song has a nice little Arabian guitar line running through the beginning. The song really heats up at the 5:30 mark, when the "Comes Around" interlude kicks in with a new drumbeat and stadium synths. While he's no Prince, Timberlake still makes some of the most daring and out-there pop songs of anyone on the current pop landscape and hopefully he works his magic with Timbaland again sometime in the near future.
9/10
This is Why I'm Hot - Mims: 3/10-3/17 (2 Weeks)
The premise is simple really: Mims is hot. He's hot because he's fly. Therefore tautology. You, unfortunately, ain't hot, because, you not. Don't get me wrong, the beat is actually pretty hot, but Mims, unfortunately, is not. Mims says "I could sell a million saying nothing on the track," which is pretty much what he did. The lyrics mainly revolve around the extent of Mims' hotness ("If you take the sun and multiply it's heat ten times over then what you got is me."), but he does not spend so much time focusing on actually why he's hot. If the song was called "This is How Hot I Am," I might have liked it more.
5/10
Glamorous - Fergie featuring Ludacris: 3/24-3/31 (2 Weeks)
In the future, Sesame Street is going to be replaced by Fergie, who loves to use songs to teach people how to spell. G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. That spells glamorous. At least she spelled it right this time, unlike in "Fergalicious" (there's no "e" in "Tasty," Fergie). Anyway, this song sucks and even legendary guest rapper Ludacris can't save it. It's not her worst song, but it's pretty bad.
3/10
Don't Matter - Akon: 4/7-4/14 (2 Weeks)
Akon brings back the chipmunk from "Lonely" and steals the verse melody from the remix to "Ignition" in his only #1 of the year, despite his ubiquity (when this was #1, however, Akon either guested on or produced (or both) 7 other songs in the top 50). Though it attempts to be a heartfelt R&B ballad, one can't help but squirm and think about the lyrics in relation to that time he dry-humped a 15-year-old on stage in Trinidad. "Nobody wanna see us together." Damn straight. Akon is obviously taking more than just musical cues from R. Kelly. Hide all the preteens.
4/10
Give it to Me - Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado: 4/21-4/28 (2 Weeks)
"When Timbo is in the party everybody put up they hands." Especially after that murderer's row of Akon, Fergie and Mims, I am more than relieved to see Timbaland return to the party. The drums are once again fantastic as Timbaland and his two biggest stars take down their various rivals. Just don't pay too much attention to the lyrics.
8/10
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne: 5/5 (1 Week)
On the one hand, it's good to see some energy in the billboard charts. It too often seems that chart-toppers are hardly even trying. Avril brings her all bringing a cheerleader energy that finds its way to the top of the charts every once and a while. I like the idea of the cheerleader-esque chants during the verses. However, the song is annoying as fuck. Just completely diabolical in it's ability to imprint itself on your memory and piss the hell out of you for the rest of the day.
5/10
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5: 5/12-5/19, 6/2 (3 Weeks)
This song is miles better than anything else Maroon 5 has ever recorded. I like the dance feel and I think that Maroon 5 should stick to stuff like this in the near future. It is rare that a modern rock song comes along that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out with a nail file.
7/10
Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin') - T-Pain ft. Young Joc: 5/26 (1 Week)
The song is pretty much a succession of pick-up lines. The well-known secret of T-Pain is that any run-of-the-mill R&B song triples its commercial appeal when filtered through a vocoder. It makes you wonder how the robots from Kraftwerk found out about hip-hop, rather than "this song sucks." This song isn't bad, though. The beat is pretty standard but the chorus is catchy as hell. Yung Joc quite literally could not rap his way out of a paper bag (though his lyrical dumbassery is nothing compared to his real-life stupidity: he was arrested in December 2007 for attempting to bring a semi-automatic onto an airplane.) However, even Yung Joc (it pains me even to type his name) can't stop this song from being compulsively listenable and pretty catchy.
6/10
Umbrella - Rihanna ft. Jay-Z: 6/9-7/21 (7 Weeks)
Ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Who knew that the key to writing the year's best pop song was stretching the word "umbrella" to eleven syllables? Rihanna, Jay-Z and songwriter "The-Dream" did. Umbrella is one of the best songs of the year and is incredibly catchy. Rihanna, like T-Pain, sounds more like a robot nun from outer space than a R&B singer, but it hardly matters because the song is a beast. Jay-Z sounds pretty lazy here, though. He made up for it later by releasing the best hip-hop album of the year. The story one goes that Britney passed up on Umbrella, and she actually seems like she would be a pretty good fit for the song. Imagine how huge the song would have been if she didn't.
9/10
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's: 7/28-8/4 (2 Weeks)
I can't stand this song. If I were Delilah, I would be disgusted about what I had wrought onto the world. This song represents the epitome of shitty emo-pop and, in my ears, it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Isn't it completely crazy and unexpected that there's a black guy in the band that recorded the second most white bread song of the decade (James Blunt probably won't be topped for a couple centuries)
0/10
Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston: 8/11-9/1 (4 Weeks)
A fat 17-year-old Jamaican named Sean Kingston (probably not his real name) accomplished what most people thought was impossible: he brought Ben E. King back to the top of the charts in 2007. Kingston samples "Stand By Me" on this one, waxing poetic about a "beautiful girl" who "did him dirt" and made him "suicidal." While the song is enjoyable, and Sean Kingston sounds very innocent despite singing that he went to prison, by the 100th time I heard this song, I nearly became suicidal.
6/10
Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie: 9/8 (1 Week)
This isn't a Frankie Valli cover, but it should've been. Instead, we are treated to an acoustic ballad from Ms. Ferguson. This might be the worst song of the year. With lyrics like "And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket" (another example of Fergie's mastery of the English language), it tries to be heartfelt, but instead recalls Linus and Lucy. Big girls may not cry, but grown men do when subjected to the music of one Stacy Ferguson for an extended period of time.
0/10
Crank That (Soulja Boy) - Soulja Boy: 9/22, 10/6-11/3 (5 Weeks)
"Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" It's in your head now, isn't it? The biggest internet phenomenon of the year, the Crank That Soulja Boy dance, came courtesy of a little-known 17-year-old (another one) rapper from the South named Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. The song, depending on the day, is either a work of Pop genius or the dumbest thing ever put to tape since that time someone decided to put a tape of Screech from Saved by the Bell having sex on the internet (and probably before that too). I'm going to try to represent the two dueling perspectives. The awesome/awful beat, based on a 7 note keyboard riff and a huge bass hit, is infectious/evil as anything released this year. The dance itself is nothing special/the best thing since the Charleston. The lyrics are retarded/retarded and lines like "watch me crank that robocop" add to the song's charm/depravity. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" is the best/worst song of the year. Now watch me youuuuuuuuu!
(1)0/10
Stronger - Kanye West: 9/29 (1 Week)
Our brief reprieve from Soulja Boy came in the form of a harder, better and faster Kanye West (I guess he's stronger, too). Kanye is probably my favorite rapper right now. While some of his lyrics are dumb, even the clunkers tend to grow on you because Kanye is so damn likable [editor's note: this was before Swift-gate - I still find Kanye's on-record persona to be very appealing]. The beat is undeniable and one of the best of the year. This song brought nearly everyone together: white dudes and black dudes, French people and Americans, indie house fans and Hip-Hop fans. Even Sarkozy probably liked this one.
9/10
Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown ft. T-Pain: 11/10-11/24 (3 Weeks)
Chris Brown is a fucking great performer [ed. note: sorta a shame what happened, eh?]. I hadn't really liked any of his songs, though, before I heard this one. T-Pain is back from outer space to give Brown a hand with the ladies (as if he needed help). The chorus is catchy and doesn't wear thin, even if you hear the song three times a day, like I did in its heyday.
7/10
No One - Alicia Keys: 12/1-12/29 (5 Weeks)
Some people really like this song. I don't. I think it's melodramatic and I don't particularly think Keys is suited for this type of song. Leave these to Christina, who has a voice strong enough to deliver the goods. She almost sounds like she's crying, which would be a plus if the lyrics weren't so impersonal and schlocky. It comes off as annoying, rather than heartbreaking.
4/10
That was 2007. In general, pretty bipolar in terms of quality - which explains why Soulja Boy had the song of the year.
Here's 2007 (written when I was 17):
2007: The Year of the Robot
2007 was the year when America was obsessed with synthesized voices. The two people who made the biggest impact on this year's hot 100 were Konvict Music's Akon and the pudgy, cyborg R&B singer of the future: T-Pain. Akon had a multitude of top 40 hits (mostly in the first half of the year). T-Pain dominated the Summer and fall with two #1 hits (and the first one of '08 ). I happen to think that T-Pain's robotic R&B is pretty entertaining, but Akon is pretty annoying, with one exception, which I'll get to later.
Anyway, to the hits:
Irreplaceable - Beyoncé: 12/16/06-2/17/07 (10 Weeks)
"Irreplaceable" is as good as an R&B song can get these days, with a Max Martin-esque beat, heavily featuring acoustic guitar and one of Beyoncé's most powerful vocal performances. The opening "to the left" hook is irresistible and subversive all at once, as the listener expects a dance number, but instead gets a send-off song to a man who did not realize what he had. While I generally prefer Beyoncé in "Crazy in Love" fill the dancefloor mode, "Irreplaceable" is an undeniably effective ballad with clever lyrics and a memorable vocal hook.
Rating: 9/10
Say it Right - Nelly Furtado: 2/24 (1 Week)
While T-Pain and Akon may have dominated '07, Timbaland was no slouch either. This song is a pretty strong, like many of Timbaland's hits, and has a great drum beat and a catchy chorus. It's also incredibly fun sing "eh" after every bar along with Timbo. This is probably my favorite of Nelly's hits and shows a dark side of Furtado that we haven't seen much of, except in "Maneater."
8/10
What Goes Around...Comes Around - Justin Timberlake: 3/3 (1 Week)
Timbo strikes again, this time with his pal Justin. While not as good as "My Love," this song brings Justin back to "Cry Me a River" territory. In fact, if anything, it's just a supersized version of that song. This is a good thing. "Cry Me a River" is a pop masterpiece (it is, just trust me) and the formula works well. As with Beyoncé, I prefer Timberlake in kiss-off mode than romantic mode. The song has a nice little Arabian guitar line running through the beginning. The song really heats up at the 5:30 mark, when the "Comes Around" interlude kicks in with a new drumbeat and stadium synths. While he's no Prince, Timberlake still makes some of the most daring and out-there pop songs of anyone on the current pop landscape and hopefully he works his magic with Timbaland again sometime in the near future.
9/10
This is Why I'm Hot - Mims: 3/10-3/17 (2 Weeks)
The premise is simple really: Mims is hot. He's hot because he's fly. Therefore tautology. You, unfortunately, ain't hot, because, you not. Don't get me wrong, the beat is actually pretty hot, but Mims, unfortunately, is not. Mims says "I could sell a million saying nothing on the track," which is pretty much what he did. The lyrics mainly revolve around the extent of Mims' hotness ("If you take the sun and multiply it's heat ten times over then what you got is me."), but he does not spend so much time focusing on actually why he's hot. If the song was called "This is How Hot I Am," I might have liked it more.
5/10
Glamorous - Fergie featuring Ludacris: 3/24-3/31 (2 Weeks)
In the future, Sesame Street is going to be replaced by Fergie, who loves to use songs to teach people how to spell. G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. That spells glamorous. At least she spelled it right this time, unlike in "Fergalicious" (there's no "e" in "Tasty," Fergie). Anyway, this song sucks and even legendary guest rapper Ludacris can't save it. It's not her worst song, but it's pretty bad.
3/10
Don't Matter - Akon: 4/7-4/14 (2 Weeks)
Akon brings back the chipmunk from "Lonely" and steals the verse melody from the remix to "Ignition" in his only #1 of the year, despite his ubiquity (when this was #1, however, Akon either guested on or produced (or both) 7 other songs in the top 50). Though it attempts to be a heartfelt R&B ballad, one can't help but squirm and think about the lyrics in relation to that time he dry-humped a 15-year-old on stage in Trinidad. "Nobody wanna see us together." Damn straight. Akon is obviously taking more than just musical cues from R. Kelly. Hide all the preteens.
4/10
Give it to Me - Timbaland ft. Justin Timberlake and Nelly Furtado: 4/21-4/28 (2 Weeks)
"When Timbo is in the party everybody put up they hands." Especially after that murderer's row of Akon, Fergie and Mims, I am more than relieved to see Timbaland return to the party. The drums are once again fantastic as Timbaland and his two biggest stars take down their various rivals. Just don't pay too much attention to the lyrics.
8/10
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne: 5/5 (1 Week)
On the one hand, it's good to see some energy in the billboard charts. It too often seems that chart-toppers are hardly even trying. Avril brings her all bringing a cheerleader energy that finds its way to the top of the charts every once and a while. I like the idea of the cheerleader-esque chants during the verses. However, the song is annoying as fuck. Just completely diabolical in it's ability to imprint itself on your memory and piss the hell out of you for the rest of the day.
5/10
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon 5: 5/12-5/19, 6/2 (3 Weeks)
This song is miles better than anything else Maroon 5 has ever recorded. I like the dance feel and I think that Maroon 5 should stick to stuff like this in the near future. It is rare that a modern rock song comes along that doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out with a nail file.
7/10
Buy U a Drank (Shawty Snappin') - T-Pain ft. Young Joc: 5/26 (1 Week)
The song is pretty much a succession of pick-up lines. The well-known secret of T-Pain is that any run-of-the-mill R&B song triples its commercial appeal when filtered through a vocoder. It makes you wonder how the robots from Kraftwerk found out about hip-hop, rather than "this song sucks." This song isn't bad, though. The beat is pretty standard but the chorus is catchy as hell. Yung Joc quite literally could not rap his way out of a paper bag (though his lyrical dumbassery is nothing compared to his real-life stupidity: he was arrested in December 2007 for attempting to bring a semi-automatic onto an airplane.) However, even Yung Joc (it pains me even to type his name) can't stop this song from being compulsively listenable and pretty catchy.
6/10
Umbrella - Rihanna ft. Jay-Z: 6/9-7/21 (7 Weeks)
Ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Who knew that the key to writing the year's best pop song was stretching the word "umbrella" to eleven syllables? Rihanna, Jay-Z and songwriter "The-Dream" did. Umbrella is one of the best songs of the year and is incredibly catchy. Rihanna, like T-Pain, sounds more like a robot nun from outer space than a R&B singer, but it hardly matters because the song is a beast. Jay-Z sounds pretty lazy here, though. He made up for it later by releasing the best hip-hop album of the year. The story one goes that Britney passed up on Umbrella, and she actually seems like she would be a pretty good fit for the song. Imagine how huge the song would have been if she didn't.
9/10
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's: 7/28-8/4 (2 Weeks)
I can't stand this song. If I were Delilah, I would be disgusted about what I had wrought onto the world. This song represents the epitome of shitty emo-pop and, in my ears, it has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Isn't it completely crazy and unexpected that there's a black guy in the band that recorded the second most white bread song of the decade (James Blunt probably won't be topped for a couple centuries)
0/10
Beautiful Girls - Sean Kingston: 8/11-9/1 (4 Weeks)
A fat 17-year-old Jamaican named Sean Kingston (probably not his real name) accomplished what most people thought was impossible: he brought Ben E. King back to the top of the charts in 2007. Kingston samples "Stand By Me" on this one, waxing poetic about a "beautiful girl" who "did him dirt" and made him "suicidal." While the song is enjoyable, and Sean Kingston sounds very innocent despite singing that he went to prison, by the 100th time I heard this song, I nearly became suicidal.
6/10
Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie: 9/8 (1 Week)
This isn't a Frankie Valli cover, but it should've been. Instead, we are treated to an acoustic ballad from Ms. Ferguson. This might be the worst song of the year. With lyrics like "And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket" (another example of Fergie's mastery of the English language), it tries to be heartfelt, but instead recalls Linus and Lucy. Big girls may not cry, but grown men do when subjected to the music of one Stacy Ferguson for an extended period of time.
0/10
Crank That (Soulja Boy) - Soulja Boy: 9/22, 10/6-11/3 (5 Weeks)
"Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!" It's in your head now, isn't it? The biggest internet phenomenon of the year, the Crank That Soulja Boy dance, came courtesy of a little-known 17-year-old (another one) rapper from the South named Soulja Boy Tell 'Em. The song, depending on the day, is either a work of Pop genius or the dumbest thing ever put to tape since that time someone decided to put a tape of Screech from Saved by the Bell having sex on the internet (and probably before that too). I'm going to try to represent the two dueling perspectives. The awesome/awful beat, based on a 7 note keyboard riff and a huge bass hit, is infectious/evil as anything released this year. The dance itself is nothing special/the best thing since the Charleston. The lyrics are retarded/retarded and lines like "watch me crank that robocop" add to the song's charm/depravity. "Crank That (Soulja Boy)" is the best/worst song of the year. Now watch me youuuuuuuuu!
(1)0/10
Stronger - Kanye West: 9/29 (1 Week)
Our brief reprieve from Soulja Boy came in the form of a harder, better and faster Kanye West (I guess he's stronger, too). Kanye is probably my favorite rapper right now. While some of his lyrics are dumb, even the clunkers tend to grow on you because Kanye is so damn likable [editor's note: this was before Swift-gate - I still find Kanye's on-record persona to be very appealing]. The beat is undeniable and one of the best of the year. This song brought nearly everyone together: white dudes and black dudes, French people and Americans, indie house fans and Hip-Hop fans. Even Sarkozy probably liked this one.
9/10
Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown ft. T-Pain: 11/10-11/24 (3 Weeks)
Chris Brown is a fucking great performer [ed. note: sorta a shame what happened, eh?]. I hadn't really liked any of his songs, though, before I heard this one. T-Pain is back from outer space to give Brown a hand with the ladies (as if he needed help). The chorus is catchy and doesn't wear thin, even if you hear the song three times a day, like I did in its heyday.
7/10
No One - Alicia Keys: 12/1-12/29 (5 Weeks)
Some people really like this song. I don't. I think it's melodramatic and I don't particularly think Keys is suited for this type of song. Leave these to Christina, who has a voice strong enough to deliver the goods. She almost sounds like she's crying, which would be a plus if the lyrics weren't so impersonal and schlocky. It comes off as annoying, rather than heartbreaking.
4/10
That was 2007. In general, pretty bipolar in terms of quality - which explains why Soulja Boy had the song of the year.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Welcome Everyone
Hi, my name is Dan and I'm a student at the University of Michigan. I'm setting this up because I'm a fairly opinionated person and I listen to a lot of music, watch a lot of TV movies and sports, and I need a place to vent. I hope that my ideas and theories and general musings about pop culture are entertaining and occasionally enlightening.
About the title: Flawless Crowns is a Raekwon song released earlier this year and a pretty catchy title - don't try to look to deep into it.
I'm gonna start by re-posting a few things I've written in the past.
About the title: Flawless Crowns is a Raekwon song released earlier this year and a pretty catchy title - don't try to look to deep into it.
I'm gonna start by re-posting a few things I've written in the past.
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