Serious Wire spoilers ahead. Don't read too carefully if you haven't seen the whole thing (don't click on links)
On Monday, Grantland released a 32-man (there are two women in there, but they both like girls) March Madness style bracket for best characters on The Wire, the greatest program ever to air on television. Let me start by saying they easily could have made a 64-man bracket and still could have left off some memorable characters. Remember that guy who played Ashy Larry on Chappelle’s Show as Clay Davis’s drug-running chauffeur? Anyway, this 32 person bracket is far from comprehensive, leaving off some fan-favorites. Here are the most notable omissions:
Carver: They include Herc, but not Carver? Seriously? In the first three seasons, they were practically the same person, and what made them different in seasons 4 and 5 was key. Namely, that Carver had a brain and Herc did not. Still, Carver was one of the major characters of Season 4 and a member of the original detail and should have been included.
Slim Charles: “Murder ain’t no thing, but this here some assassination shit” After making a name for himself as a “rumble-tumble” hitman in the Barksdale Organization, Slim came into his own in seasons 4 and 5 as Prop Joe’s right-hand man, dropping pearls of hood wisdom and generally being cooler than everybody. Sure, Simmons said he would’ve won the NIT, but everybody knows the NIT doesn’t mean shit.
Rhonda: Meh.
Beadie Russell: Good character and good performance, but her role was a little slight. Still, she’s better than that Russian dude.
Jay Landsman: How can you leave out the funny fat guy?
Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all (shout out to Vondas, Nicky, Mayor Royce, the Greek, Butchie, Namond and Randy). And like everyone in the show is so fond of saying, it’s all in the Game. Moving on.
West Baltimore Region:
#1 Omar Little v. #8 Ziggy Sobotka
This is the second easiest matchup of the first round. Ziggy spent most of Season 2 as an annoying little punk, fucking up everything he touched, until he fucked up so badly that you felt sorry for him. It’s shocking to me that he beat out Carver in the imaginary play-in game. Omar is respected and feared by viewers and characters alike and he easily passes to the next round.
Winner: Omar
#4 Chris Partlow v. #5 Dennis “Cutty” Wise
It may look tough at first glance, but this is an easy one for me. The duo of Chris and Snoop provided many great moments in the fourth season, but Chris never had any great moments on his own. Chris was a cold motherfucker. He had one of the highest body counts of anyone in the series, but he barely even changed his stony facial expression (except this once). By all accounts, Cutty was as cold as Chris back in the early 90s, but it’s his transformation to mentor for troubled kids like Spider and Mike in his gym that really left an impression. The Wire is frequently bleak, but Cutty’s story is one of the few bright spots. Sorry Chris. Good thing he isn’t real, or I might find myself dead in a vacant house.
Winner: Cutty
#3 Snoop Pearson v. #6 D’Angelo Barksdale
Toughest matchup of the regional, one of the toughest overall. This matchup comes down to what you value when you watch The Wire. The Wire is the greatest television show of all time for several reasons, but the relevant ones here are its gallery of quirky and colorful characters and its ability to weave these characters into dramatically satisfying, often heart-wrenching story arcs. Snoop is one of the show’s most colorful characters, possibly because the actress is playing a barely fictionalized version of herself. She stars in one of the series’ best scenes (oh my God what is she gonna do with that nail gun?!) and her incomprehensible mumble is good for laughs and occasionally poignancy (“How my hair look?”). D’Angelo, however, is the heart and soul of the first two seasons of the show, a decent guy born into an evil family. His signature scene is another one of the series’ best (“Where the fuck is Wallace? STRING?!”), and when he died, the street scenes lost a moral center, which they didn’t really regain until the kids showed up in Season 4. Snoop is one the most fun characters to watch, but D’s storyline is one of the most complete and most tragic in the series, so I have to give him the edge.
Winner: D’Angelo
#2 Michael Lee v. #7 “Cheese” Wagstaff
Ohhh Cheese. Too bad this isn’t a bracket for “Funniest Wire Character,” cause if it was, Cheese would edge the Bunk in the finals (other two final four-ers, Jay Landsman and Prop Joe). The fact that he is portrayed by Method Man, which implies that Cheese had a monstrous off-screen blunt habit, significantly adds to the comedy factor. Respect to Meth, but Michael Lee is a powerhouse of a character. If anybody in this bracket has a chance to take down Omar, it’s Michael, his spiritual successor. Michael was the quietest of the four kids, but easily the most charismatic, dominating nearly every scene with his blank stares. Sorry Cheese, but there ain’t no nostalgia in this bracket.
Winner: Mike
Sweet 16
#1 Omar v. #5 Cutty
Poor Cutty doesn't stand a chance. Cutty's a great character, but Omar's a legend, Robin Hood for the hood. These two characters never shared a scene together, interestingly enough, the universe of the show is just so vast. Cutty doesn't care though, he's gonna just keep boxing, coaching, banging the mothers of the kids who come to his gym and listening to awesome soul music.
Winner: Omar
#6 D'Angelo v. #2 Michael Lee
Another tough one. But not too tough. D and Mike are two of the most well-developed characters in the entire show, changing more in two seasons than many of the cops did in all five. D's story is tragic and "Where the Fuck is Wallace?!" is one of the show's signature quotes, but Michael beats him out thanks to his pivotal role in one of the show's best episodes (season 5's "Late Editions," featuring this whopper of a scene), and probably because Mike's young age raises the dramatic stakes and makes Tristan Wilds' performance even more impressive.
Winner: Mike
Elite 8
#1 Omar v. #2 Michael
And here's where Michael's run ends. Michael is one of the most compelling characters of the show's latter seasons. Sure, Omar may not be the most subtle of Wire characters, but he's the star of so many great moments and has so may memorable lines that it's impossible not to pencil him into the final four. Plus, he's got a Presidential endorsement, which means it's my duty as an American to grant Omar a victory in this matchup.
Winner: Omar
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